AITA: Writing Edition

[JT Woody]

Ill try to keep this brief:

Last month, i sent my parents a copy of my book. I signed it "To Mom and Dad".

My mom calls me up and said shes happy she recieved it but felt like i should have said something along thenlines of "To Mom and Dad, I could not have done this without you"
(I've mentioned on here... er, the Old Place... that my parents werent really involved in my writing. They always seemed disinterested, and eventually i just gave up telling them about my writing. They always seemed interested when i get published, but never read my work unless i ask or someone else says. Even this book, they didnt know the genre or plot and never even asked.)

So when she said this, i snapped and said "but i did do this without you" and "you werent involved in any of it" (harsh, i know, but i was frustrated).

It hurt her feelings.
I apologized.
And tried to talk about it more calmly, but she ended the conversation and said she was over it.

YESTERDAY, my brother calls me and says my mom is still upset over the covo from early last month. He says she cant look at my book without hearing my words.
She's heartbroken.

He says she feels like shes done everything to support me and love me, but I rejected her.

My brother told me that he told her he understands how she feels, but he also understands how i feel. He says love and support is a given. He and i KNOW that she loves and supports us, but "this is her thing, mom. Let her have this. This is what SHE worked at and what SHE worked hard on. Let her have her win." My mom agreed.
He told her it would be like her wanting credit for his performances (he's a musician) when she isnt the one playing the instrument (that he bought himself) and learning the music.
She agreed again.

He also told me that while he is on my side, he says that my words really do hurt. And, while i might not have meant to hurt her, my bluntness really did have that effect.

Its resolved (for now i guess)...
But i cant stop feeling like im the asshole in all of this...

 

[Stuart Dren]

Just from this context alone the mother seems more than a little vain/conceited on this particular topic. Not healthy to want credit, even with all the thankless work involved in motherhood. The book's existence itself should be more than enough to fill her with joy.

Bluntness was called for. It ripped off the band-aid. The hurt involved is more her being challenged to reconcile her feelings with yours, which she has to do anyway.

He says she feels like shes done everything to support me and love me, but I rejected her.

Now this is the iceberg thing that no internet randoms can really have an opinion on. It could be she never got over your teenage phase, communication broke down and no one took the time to repair it, or a million other things.

 

[Madman Starryteller]

It's hard to communicate sometimes. Sometimes you say things you regret. You say things in a less than smooth way. It's just how life goes.

I wouldn't go so far as to say you were an asshole. However, you could have been less blunt, of course, but that's easy to say not as easy to be. But I also think it was a bit disrespectful of your mother to suggest the word change she did.

 

[Trish]

I don't think you're an asshole, no. Frankly, as both a daughter and a mom, what she said was insulting and had nothing to do with you or your accomplishments and everything to do with her caring more about appearances than reality from the sounds of it.

Family dynamics are rough, but if she can't even be bothered to read what you write? She should be grateful you sent it to her at all. I just can't imagine looking at my daughter's accomplishments and thinking "where's my credit?" let alone saying it. My daughter isn't a writer, but she did just graduate from college a year ago, did extraordinarily well, and landed her dream job right out of the gate. I feel nothing but joy for her. What you describe would be like me saying "but I paid for it, so you're welcome." and that's just... no. She worked her ass off for what she has and it's hers not mine. I'm proud of her for who she's become, the work she's put in, and the choices she's made, not because I think I deserve pats on the back for raising her.

I'm sorry you're in a situation where you have to think about this at all, JT.

 

[JT Woody]

It could be she never got over your teenage phase, communication broke down and no one took the time to repair it, or a million other things.

oh, I was never a rebellious teenager (too much of a goody-goody to be rebel ) , and communicated everything. But I've also be very VERY independent since a child (and she'd talked about how that hurt her over the years... that, she felt like i never needed her). She told me how I didnt want her to hug me and how I didnt want her to play with me and that i was just content to play by myself (I dont remember any of this because i was too young to remember).

She told me once that in pre-school, she was called in by the teacher because I was sad and didnt want to draw anymore. She says I told the teacher I she never put the pictures I drew up on the refrigerator and that i was sad and didnt want to draw because of that. It broke her heart and from then on, she always hung up my pictures and drawing around the house. (I dont remember that meeting, but i do remember a point where our house had my drawings up everywhere).

Perhaps she hasnt gotten over that.

But, I mean i was a literal child back then. Beyond my memories. I may have always been independent and communicated what upset me, but as I got older, I dont feel like i've pushed them away. In fact, I've tried to invite them IN TO my interests...
but I do acknowledge I got less communicative about my upsets as i got older.

 

[Rigor Mortis]

Family dynamics are too complicated to go looking for the asshole in any given situation. I've got 11 sibs and know this to be true. I will say your brother's something of a treasure though. Listen to him, he's got wisdom.

I could give you theories on what this is about. In fact, I'd only have to undelete some of those I started on in this post. Rather than do that, I'll stay bland, tell you what you already know which is that those closest to us know best how to get a dig in but they're still those closest to us.

 

[CatrionaGrace]

But i cant stop feeling like im the asshole in all of this...

Well, knock it off, JT. When someone offers you a guilt trip, you don't have to make the journey.

The only proper responses to a child's hard-earned accomplishment are, "Congratulations!" and "I am so proud of you." It's in The Parents' Guide to Galaxy, right there in Chapter One under the part about always carrying your towel.

By the way, congratulations. I appreciate having been able to watch part of your journey to publication and I am so proud of you.

 

[Stuart Dren]

Family dynamics are too complicated to go looking for the asshole in any given situation. I've got 11 sibs and know this to be true.

Easy: that's twelve assholes.

I'm mostly kidding. I have three siblings (four assholes), so I can't even imagine...

 

[Catrin Lewis]

Ill try to keep this brief:

Last month, i sent my parents a copy of my book. I signed it "To Mom and Dad".

My mom calls me up and said shes happy she recieved it but felt like i should have said something along thenlines of "To Mom and Dad, I could not have done this without you"
(I've mentioned on here... er, the Old Place... that my parents werent really involved in my writing. They always seemed disinterested, and eventually i just gave up telling them about my writing. They always seemed interested when i get published, but never read my work unless i ask or someone else says. Even this book, they didnt know the genre or plot and never even asked.)

So when she said this, i snapped and said "but i did do this without you" and "you werent involved in any of it" (harsh, i know, but i was frustrated).

It hurt her feelings.
I apologized.
And tried to talk about it more calmly, but she ended the conversation and said she was over it.

YESTERDAY, my brother calls me and says my mom is still upset over the covo from early last month. He says she cant look at my book without hearing my words.
She's heartbroken.

He says she feels like shes done everything to support me and love me, but I rejected her.

My brother told me that he told her he understands how she feels, but he also understands how i feel. He says love and support is a given. He and i KNOW that she loves and supports us, but "this is her thing, mom. Let her have this. This is what SHE worked at and what SHE worked hard on. Let her have her win." My mom agreed.
He told her it would be like her wanting credit for his performances (he's a musician) when she isnt the one playing the instrument (that he bought himself) and learning the music.
She agreed again.

He also told me that while he is on my side, he says that my words really do hurt. And, while i might not have meant to hurt her, my bluntness really did have that effect.

Its resolved (for now i guess)...
But i cant stop feeling like im the asshole in all of this...

There's a little assholery in all of us, but that doesn't mean that's what we are. So okay, you're unhappy with yourself that you lost your temper. That's valid. I've been there, too, where I've had to tell myself to, um, express myself more tactfully next time. Because what you laid out to your mom was totally true, the thing I think you're regretting is how you said it.

As for your mom wanting credit for being the fount and basis of your work, I've never had kids, but I wonder if it's hard for parents (some parents, anyway) to let their kids be separate individuals from themselves; ergo, what your kids accomplish is all down to you. Yeah, I suppose she can say you couldn't have written your book without her, because if she hadn't given birth to you, you wouldn't be here to have written it. But that's stretching things, especially for a book dedication.

I'm glad your brother was there to intercede. And I hope more understanding and growth will come out of this, for everyone involved. And that Mom swallows her pride and reads your novel. We don't need that Reddit crap here, where one insult sends relationships into a death spiral and the battle cry is "Never Forgive!"

 

[Rigor Mortis]

Easy: that's twelve assholes.

Nope! Eleven assholes (and me).

It'll be the title of my autobiography, especially since my eldest nephew has already laid claim to Last of the Shitboys.