Back of Book Blurb

[JT Woody]

I am finally at that point where all roads lead back to the dreaded blurb (Bowker asks for a "book description", KDP needs it, the back cover needs it), so here I am!

I'd like some thoughts/feedback in this 134 word blurb-thingy:

On the desert planet of Diadasos, dutiful young nomad, Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death. But when she is offered a chance at life in the Ithoumi Village tucked away in the mountains, survivors' guilt and lack of purpose give her pause. The Ithoumi want her to be their Elder, but Olun wants only to return to her people either as their savior or their sacrifice.​

​

Until she meets Didan. The scarred madman who once held the title of Elder, brings up conflicting feelings of fear and curiosity in Olun, forcing her to confront nightmares of a mysterious figure and pain long buried. When he sets his sight on Olun, she must make the ultimate decision: Life or Death.​

 

[Homer Potvin]

I am finally at that point where all roads lead back to the dreaded blurb (Bowker asks for a "book description", KDP needs it, the back cover needs it), so here I am!

I'd like some thoughts/feedback in this 134 word blurb-thingy:

On the desert planet of Diadasos, dutiful young nomad, Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death. But when she is offered a chance at life in the Ithoumi Village tucked away in the mountains, survivors' guilt and lack of purpose give her pause. The Ithoumi want her to be their Elder, but Olun wants only to return to her people either as their savior or their sacrifice.​

​

Until she meets Didan. The scarred madman who once held the title of Elder, brings up conflicting feelings of fear and curiosity in Olun, forcing her to confront nightmares of a mysterious figure and pain long buried. When he sets his sight on Olun, she must make the ultimate decision: Life or Death.​

I'd suggest putting more about the story and less about the character's journey, which isn't very eye-catching. I'm not sure how many people scanning a dozen blurbs are going to want to pick the one with survivor's guilt and repressed pain. Not that you can't include some of that, but the story doesn't appear to be about much else as described.

I'd be more interested about the plague killing all the villagers. Not sure if there's another hook, but that's the most obvious one I'm seeing. And if words are precious, you can ditch the "desert planet" and "tucked into the mountains" parts. Those aren't relevant at the blurb level.

 

[CatrionaGrace]

Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death.

There's your hook. Don't bury it with the beginning of that sentence.

1. Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death.

2. She turns out to be unwilling after all, and abdicates her responsibility to her tribe in favor of safey in the mountains with a different tribe.

3. She regrets her decision and wants to go home: death is preferable to the listlessness of safety.

4. A former elder of the safe tribe forces her to confront nightmares of a mysterious figure and pain long buried.

5. She must make a life and death decision.

Did I understand those points correctly?

 

[JT Woody]

1. Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death.

2. She turns out to be unwilling after all, and abdicates her responsibility to her tribe in favor of safey in the mountains with a different tribe.

3. She regrets her decision and wants to go home: death is preferable to the listlessness of safety.

4. A former elder of the safe tribe forces her to confront nightmares of a mysterious figure and pain long buried.

5. She must make a life and death decision.

Did I understand those points correctly?

1. Yes
2. Sort of
3. Yes (minus the listlessness. More so guilt)
4. Yes
5. Yes

Back to the drawing board, i go!

 

[Homer Potvin]

There's your hook. Don't bury it with the beginning of that sentence.

1. Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death.

2. She turns out to be unwilling after all, and abdicates her responsibility to her tribe in favor of safey in the mountains with a different tribe.

3. She regrets her decision and wants to go home: death is preferable to the listlessness of safety.

4. A former elder of the safe tribe forces her to confront nightmares of a mysterious figure and pain long buried.

5. She must make a life and death decision.

Did I understand those points correctly?

Riffing off Cat's points here, I would say only 1 and 4 are blurb relevant. The other three could apply to almost any novel if you fiddle with the details. I mean, not every book involves a literal life or death decision, but they usually have something of critical importance. And not everybody shirks the call to action by moving to a different village, but there is always some hesitancy somewhere. I would focus on what elements of your story make it unique outside of the to-be-expected character arc/journey.

 

[JT Woody]

Don't bury it with the beginning of that sentence.

(its not buried by i still do have a sentence in front of it

I would focus on what elements of your story make it unique outside of the to-be-expected character arc/journey.

What is the cost of life? Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death. This, she believes, is the answer to the riddle given to her by the Elder of her clan, and her life’s purpose. Until she is stolen away to the mountains where she is to become Elder (medium between the realms of the living and dead) of the Ithoumi mountain village. As dormant abilities awaken and long-suffered nightmares become reality, Olun wants nothing more than to return to her people where her purpose is clear and her death meaningful.​

​

But Didan, the former Elder of the village now a scarred madman, sets his sights on Olun. With their pasts linked by pain and their presents blossoming into something more frightening, Olun discovers a new answer to the riddle of Life and Death. One that will impact not only her future but Didan’s as well.​

The red is what I feel makes it unique/ are important additions
The purple is what I'm iffy about. leave it out and let the readers discover what "Elders" are, or leave it in to give context that they are wise old hermits.
ooooor, did i just make even more of a mess of it (i hate writing blurbs and synops )

 

[Homer Potvin]

Hmmm. I like the idea of a riddle. That's something that would grab my interest. It's got some nice symbology regardless of context. I don't think expanding on the Elders is necessary at the blurb level. Everyone knows who those are, regardless of context.

One that will impact not only her future but Didan’s as well.

I don't think that's necessary either. All characters' futures get impacted. It wouldn't be a story if they didn't.

With their pasts linked by pain and their presents blossoming into something more frightening

I'm picturing Xmas "presents" exploding under the tree, spreading fear and pestilence. That would be hilarious. I like what you did there, but I'd use the singular "present." They're in the same present when they're on the page together, though their pasts and futures are different and should be pluralized. Not sure why, but I feel that's the correct way to look at it.

(i hate writing blurbs and synops )

Me too. I would say you have three things to get across here:

A plague killing a village
An ancient riddle
A sacrifice (or not) to the Dark Lady of Death

Those are the most interesting attention grabbers to me. And the "nightmares are real" part too, but that might sound too horror-ish. Not sure if you're going for that or not. There isn't a lot of room in the blurb for any of the other stuff. After awhile, it sounds like 8 or 9 bullet points pretending to be a paragraph. I suck at these things so I try to keep it simple. It's like driving past a billboard at 70mph when readers are scrolling through these things, so focus on the juicy parts.

 

[Stuart Dren]

Routine disclaimer, I've no concrete experience in writing successful blurbs.

(its not buried by i still do have a sentence in front of it

What is the cost of life? Olun will do anything to end the plague killing off her clan, including sacrificing herself to the Dark Lady of Death. This, she believes, is the answer to the riddle given to her by the Elder of her clan, and her life’s purpose. Until she is stolen away to the mountains where she is to become Elder (medium between the realms of the living and dead) of the Ithoumi mountain village. As dormant abilities awaken and long-suffered nightmares become reality, Olun wants nothing more than to return to her people where her purpose is clear and her death meaningful.​

​

But Didan, the former Elder of the village now a scarred madman, sets his sights on Olun. With their pasts linked by pain and their presents blossoming into something more frightening, Olun discovers a new answer to the riddle of Life and Death. One that will impact not only her future but Didan’s as well.​

The red is what I feel makes it unique/ are important additions
The purple is what I'm iffy about. leave it out and let the readers discover what "Elders" are, or leave it in to give context that they are wise old hermits.
ooooor, did i just make even more of a mess of it (i hate writing blurbs and synops )

The riddle bit seems important but the rest of the red don't if I'm being honest—they seem too vague. Perhaps the purple can be worked into it, otherwise it's not a huge loss if that's gone.

This also feels as though it hasn't fully evolved from a brief synopsis. I'll try to go back to the start like Coldplay:

1. Olun wants to sacrifice herself to the lady of death because she thinks it's the answer to a riddle that will save her clan.
2. She had been taken to another village that essentially wants to exploit her latent psychic power.

From these two, I see competing destinies led by competing elders. That might be something to centralize on. From there, the questions emerge:

1. What destiny will Olun choose.
2. Can she save her clan.
3. How.

I would linger on the stake and emotion of it, follow with complications and dilemma, all specific. Here's a rough draft as an example:
____
On the desert planet of Diadasos, a young nomad woman must choose between her family or her life.

Olun's clan is dying. Plague tears them away nightly, choking, delirious. The only hint of a cure lies in The Riddle of Life and Death, her elder's cryptic prophecy, but it spells her end: sacrifice to the Dark Lady of Death.

A nearby village sees Olun not as a sacrifice, but their new elder, and it's an offer they won't let her refuse. They spirit her away to the mountains, where her only companionship comes from her scarred, raving predecessor Didan.

Now a captive, Olun longs to return and sacrifice her life for her clan. However, as her spiritual abilities bloom, she discovers a likeness between her and Didan's past and future, and that the answer to her clan's riddle may be more horrifying than either faction could have ever imagined.
____

I don't know. Maybe that's too long. Working through it, it didn't feel like there was room to really dwell on a dilemma either. Here's another version that focuses on the dilemma and Didan's role in it:

____
[first three paragraphs]

Now a captive, Olun longs to sacrifice her life for her clan. However, with Didan as her secret mentor and her abilities blossoming, the riddle threatens a deeper, horrific meaning. Olun must decide whether she will escape and save her home or stay and unravel a twisted truth that she and Didan may have been better off not knowing.
____


I don't know. Pasta at the wall. Hopefully this at least adds a perspective on possibilities of going about it.