Best Bad Sword Fighting advice

[Kallisto]

Okay HEMA and SCA people:

I have a character in my story who has a dunning krueger effect when it comes to sword fighting. It's that ground where they know more than the average person, but not enough to be an expert.

He gives a kid some of his "sword fighting" advice. The problem is, I'm trying to think of something that seems like sound advice, but it's actually pretty stupid. I can think of things, but it's so outrageous that no one would believably say that's a good idea.

EDIT: Since people seem to have a hard time with this question, let me be clear. I am not writing a parody! While some of your over the top answers were kind of funny (at first), they're really not what I'm looking for. I am looking for something that's pretty bad idea, but not so over-the-top that a rational person couldn't believe it.

Here's a bit of the excerpt so I can try and add some context to what I'm asking for. (Keep in mind, this is an outline draft. Not even a rough draft.)

"Remi!"
Remi froze at the sound of his own name. His fist clenched and he hesitated to turn around and acknowledge the one who called him.
"Quinten," muttered Remi.
Quinten put an arm around Remi's shoulder.
"How has things been going?"
"Well enough, I suppose," Remi replied, pushing Quinten's arm off.
There wasn't a single person in the group who Remi would choose to have anything to do with, and Quinten least of all. There was nothing in particular that he did. Compared to everyone else, Quinten was practically a saint He didn't participate in the harassment that the others had, nor did he seem to get himself intoxicated. .
Remi just didn't like him.
"I hear that you are about to start your training soon," said Quinten.
"Yeah."
"Perhaps I might give you some pointers. I know a thing or two about fencing," said Quinten as he moved his arms around like he wielded a longsword. He added his foot movement, advancing and retreating back and forth as he fended off an imaginary enemy with his imaginary two-handed blade, "[Insert bad advice]. That's something the blade masters don't ever tell you."

 

[DLC]

'If the other blokes got a spear, you're fucked.'

 

[Seven Crowns]

To do forward rolls to dodge like they do in every computer RPG. That would get you instantly killed, doing little tumbles and cartwheels while you're being attacked.

 

[Hammer]

- always fight with your left hand, even if you're right-handed - it will confuse your opponent
- never show any fear by backing off, always move forwards

(actually, pretty much anything with "never" or "always" in it...)

 

[Rath Darkblade]

- Here's a neat trick: drop your sword! He'll will get overconfident. Then you can drop and roll, grab your sword, and stab him in the back! Awesome!

- You're a real man! Close in and overpower your opponent by sheer muscle!

- Go on, twirl your sword! It makes you look like a badass.

- It's just a wooden practice sword. It won't hurt.

And, of course ...

- Arm-guards/wrist-guards?! What ARE you, a wuss?

(I fought with a wooden practice sword and shield, both made of cane. Those swords can pack a mean punch, and both sword and shield get heavy after a while. I didn't think to protect my hands, so after a while I received a heavy blow to the shield that drew blood from my knuckles. Lesson learned).

 

[Luxuria]

Hit them as hard as you can. Poking/Lunging isn't dangerous.

 

[Naomasa298]

Make a long, expositionary speech before you start attacking, preferably detailing all your evil plans, and telling them what you intend to do to them once they're in your power. Don't forgot to include sections on how you are so much better than them and they don't stand a chance.

During the battle, make sure to pause and laugh, while holding your sword point down by your side and inviting them to come and attack you if they dare.

 

[Kallisto]

I will admit, while a lot of your answers made me laugh, a lot of them were over the top that a reasonable person wouldn't believe. I wanted advice that sounds like it would kind of make sense, even if it is a bit counter intuitive, but not so far fetched that no one will believe it. I went ahead and revised my original question with a bit from the scene to add a little context.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

Make a long, expositionary speech before you start attacking, preferably detailing all your evil plans, and telling them what you intend to do to them once they're in your power. Don't forgot to include sections on how you are so much better than them and they don't stand a chance.

During the battle, make sure to pause and laugh, while holding your sword point down by your side and inviting them to come and attack you if they dare.

Also, twirl your moustaches ... and don't forget to gloat and laugh maniacally ("Bwa-ha-ha!") or to say "I have you now, my pretty!"

As for "bad sword fighting" advice: Try to catch the blade with your palm. It will look cool.

(This happens in

Spoiler

Terry Pratchett's Maskerade

, but the person who does that knows what she's doing, prepares beforehand, and still gets hurt -- and she's the most powerful witch on the Discworld. So, yeah ... don't do that. Obviously).

 

[Casket]

Pretend to stab or slash at yourself. When the opponent wonders what you are doing then lunge at him.

 

[Kallisto]

Pretend to stab or slash at yourself. When the opponent wonders what you are doing then lunge at him.

I'm done. Guys I am NOT writing a parody. So stop! The joke isn't funny anymore. I don't mean to point you out specifically, because you're not the only person doing it, but these immature and ridiculous answers are starting to make me upset.

All I asked was for experienced martial artists, particularly swordsmen to name some kind of assumption about fencing that maybe an inexperienced person would believe, but is actually a pretty bad idea. I thought I made myself clear in what I was looking for, maybe I didn't, but I'm making myself clear now.

Stop suggesting things you know are ridiculous that a reasonable person wouldn't believe. Just stop. You're wasting your time. You're wasting my time. It isn't what I'm asking for.

If I haven't made myself clear, please tell me, but just stop with the silly answers.

Please?

 

[Kallisto]

Also, twirl your moustaches ... and don't forget to gloat and laugh maniacally ("Bwa-ha-ha!") or to say "I have you now, my pretty!"

As for "bad sword fighting" advice: Try to catch the blade with your palm. It will look cool.

(This happens in

Spoiler

Terry Pratchett's Maskerade

, but the person who does that knows what she's doing, prepares beforehand, and still gets hurt -- and she's the most powerful witch on the Discworld. So, yeah ... don't do that. Obviously).

Please be considerate of my question and what I'm looking for. If the question was not clear, please let me know so I can further clarify. I'm really trying to be nice about this, but this is the third time I have further clarified what I'm looking for and no one seems to be listening.

 

[Kallisto]

Make a long, expositionary speech before you start attacking, preferably detailing all your evil plans, and telling them what you intend to do to them once they're in your power. Don't forgot to include sections on how you are so much better than them and they don't stand a chance.

During the battle, make sure to pause and laugh, while holding your sword point down by your side and inviting them to come and attack you if they dare.

Please, be considerate of my question and what I am looking for.

 

[Casket]

I'm done. Guys I am NOT writing a parody. So stop! The joke isn't funny anymore. I don't mean to point you out specifically, because you're not the only person doing it, but these immature and ridiculous answers are starting to make me upset.

All I asked was for experienced martial artists, particularly swordsmen to name some kind of assumption about fencing that maybe an inexperienced person would believe, but is actually a pretty bad idea. I thought I made myself clear in what I was looking for, maybe I didn't, but I'm making myself clear now.

Stop suggesting things you know are ridiculous that a reasonable person wouldn't believe. Just stop. You're wasting your time. You're wasting my time. It isn't what I'm asking for.

If I haven't made myself clear, please tell me, but just stop with the silly answers.

Please?

I'm sorry you don't like my reply. I must have misunderstood what you wanted. Okay a serious one that could be bad at the same time. "Look at where he is aiming towards you and then aim at the same target."

 

[Kallisto]

I'm sorry you don't like my reply. I must have misunderstood what you wanted. Okay a serious one that could be bad at the same time. "Look at where he is aiming towards you and then aim at the same target."

I don't like your non apology either. But I'll accept it.

Yes, this is more along what I was looking for.

 

[Stuart Dren]

I barely know anything about anything. I can barely handle a broom in combat unlike my profile pic might imply.

However, I did some picking through a HEMA subreddit and something no-so-obvious stood out to me.

The thread is titled "Bad Habits that Beginners Pick Up?" on r/wma

For me it's my feet, be sure to always move the sword first. My dominant foot always readjusts before I strike (because I played tennis) and it gives away every move I make. - Rough Dan

Second this. Sword tip, hands, elbows, hips, feet. In most cuts and thrusts, this is the order in which things should move according to my instructors. I have been at this a year and some change, and I still have to correct myself sometimes, or be corrected. -victheone

Moving your feet and establishing stance prior to the rest of the motion is quite common in a lot of sports or work kinetics, so it sounds reasonable at first to hear it as advice for sword fighting.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

I'm done. Guys I am NOT writing a parody. So stop! The joke isn't funny anymore. I don't mean to point you out specifically, because you're not the only person doing it, but these immature and ridiculous answers are starting to make me upset.

All I asked was for experienced martial artists, particularly swordsmen to name some kind of assumption about fencing that maybe an inexperienced person would believe, but is actually a pretty bad idea. I thought I made myself clear in what I was looking for, maybe I didn't, but I'm making myself clear now.

Stop suggesting things you know are ridiculous that a reasonable person wouldn't believe. Just stop. You're wasting your time. You're wasting my time. It isn't what I'm asking for.

If I haven't made myself clear, please tell me, but just stop with the silly answers.

Please?

My apologies, Kallisto. I enjoy writing parodies myself, so I thought you were looking for the same thing. *blush* I'm sorry.

So ... you're looking for something that's a bad idea, but still plausible enough to be believed. Hmm.

"Perhaps I might give you some pointers. I know a thing or two about fencing," said Quinten as he moved his arms around like he wielded a longsword. He added his foot movement, advancing and retreating back and forth as he fended off an imaginary enemy with his imaginary two-handed blade, "[Insert bad advice]. That's something the blade masters don't ever tell you."

Remi sounds like a beginner, and Quinten sounds like a person who enjoys showing off.

It's difficult to imagine the scene, especially as we can 'see' so little about it. Quinten is wielding a two-hander, that's plain, but what is Remi using? If he's using anything but a two-handed sword (e.g. a sword-and-shield combo), then Quinten's advice is largely irrelevant.

Here is a glossary of sword-fighting terms, and if you click on each, there is usually a further explanation. Hopefully they should give you some ideas.

One piece of bad advice that Quinten might give is: "The pommel is only for holding the sword with. The blade masters will try to mislead you, but don't listen to them!"

This is false. A pommel strike is a simple and effective technique. This video will show you how it looks, and they also explain (in slow motion) how it happens, why it's advisable, and the dangers involved.

I hope this will help you!