Feedback wanted on a Bronze Age fantasy novel outline

[Brandon S. Pilcher]

I don't know if outlines can be critiqued the way stories can, but I just typed up this outline of plot beats for a potential future project. The genre is fantasy with a setting inspired by Bronze Age Earth, and is a story of forbidden love between a barbarian warrior from northern Europe and an African queen.

Before I present the outline, I have a few questions I would like to ask to guide feedback:

1) Is the plot coherent? Are there any holes that need addressing?

2) Are there any tropes you like or dislike in the story?

3) Does the story have potential to be fresh or interesting to you?

Below is the outline I have so far:

Spoiler: Outline

* Rothwulf, a vagrant warrior from northern Europe, is traveling through the African kingdom of Irem when he finds a rhinoceros under the influence of malignant sorcery terrorizing a rural community. He slays the monstrous rhino, earning the Iremite people's applause.

* After reaching the Iremite capital of Khier-Tuom (located on an island at the confluence of the White and Blue Nile), Rothwulf presents the rhino's horns to their beautiful Queen Sokkari. Sokkari rewards him with the position of royal bodyguard, thus guaranteeing him a home and stable employment. The two are attracted to one another at first sight.

* Tambal, the Queen's ambitious commander-in-chief, disapproves of Rothwulf's appointment, since the northerner is a "foreign barbarian". He also disagrees with Sokkari's pursuit of a peaceful policy ever since she lost her husband (and brother) Arbaab in a war with the neighboring country of Punt.

* Tambal seeks out the witch Kaara, hoping to employ her sorcery in order to assassinate Sokkari. Kaara is the same witch who had possessed the rhinoceros which Rothwulf slew as punishment for a former client cheating her.

* Kaara sends a giant scorpion to murder Sokkari, but Rothwulf slays it. Tambal blames the Puntites for sending the scorpion over, claiming it is a sort of terrorist attack. Sokkari does not believe him due to a lack of evidence for the Puntites' responsibility.

* Rothwulf and Sokkari's relationship blossoms into a secret romance, even though custom has forbidden Iremite rulers from marrying outside their family, let alone "foreign barbarians".

* Tambal's next scheme is to expose Rothwulf and Sokkari's affair to the whole royal court in order to discredit her. To do this, he has Kaara send an enchanted bird over to "record" our heroes' lovemaking.

* The bird vocalizes the sounds it "recorded" before the whole of Sokkari's court. Tambal seizes the throne for himself and has Sokkari and Rothwulf exiled.

* While Rothwulf and Sokkari are heading out of Irem, they learn that Tambal has become a warmongering tyrant, using Kaara as his right-hand woman. They elect to remove him from power once and for all.

* Rothwulf and Sokkari attack Tambal and Kaara in a climactic battle. Rothwulf dies in the battle, but Sokkari is able to defeat both villains, taking advantage of a rift that has grown between them since Kaara resents being Tambal’s subordinate. Sokkari returns to her throne and has Rothwulf's body entombed, promising his spirit that they will eventually reunite in the afterlife.

 

[Louanne Learning]

Sounds like an epic story. What intrigues me is the relationship between Rothwulf and Sakkari. There's great potential there to get into many different themes. How do you imagine their relationship? Will it be a battle of the wits? Will it be bigotry ceding to acceptance? What will they learn from one another? How will they complement one another?

 

[Brandon S. Pilcher]

How do you imagine their relationship? Will it be a battle of the wits? Will it be bigotry ceding to acceptance? What will they learn from one another? How will they complement one another?

I haven't really thought too much about those angles, but I like the idea of them learning from each other and realizing they have more in common than they expect at first.

 

[Mogador]

Agreed, it sounds epic and interesting as a story.

As an *outline* though it gets skimpy in the last itemised points.

Whereas you have fleshed out the first two acts fairly thoroughly (this magic scorpion, that incident in court, etc) the last act is missing that same level of detail.

Are they hanging around for a few months before fleeing into exile? Because if not and they leave immediately, as you'd expect, then news that he is becoming a despotic tyrant seems premature.

Surely you want time to build up some despotic acts on the ledger, meanwhile our hero and heroine are learning to live off the land, or going from inn to inn in disguise, or some such.

On a similar note how and where etc do they raise the army to fight back?

 

[Brandon S. Pilcher]

Whereas you have fleshed out the first two acts fairly thoroughly (this magic scorpion, that incident in court, etc) the last act is missing that same level of detail.

That tends to be how my written outlines turn out. I have more detail in the first couple of acts than the last. I guess it's easier for me to picture how a story begins than how it ends since the ending builds on the beginning for me.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

I agree with Mogador. How long are Rothwulf and Sokkari going to be in exile before they act? The news that Tambal has become a warmongering tyrant seems to come out of the blue. This needs to be filled in. For instance:

- Who is Tambal sending his troops against?
- How many troops does he have - and how does he recruit that many troops?
- Logistics-wise, does he feed the troops or make them live off the land?

It's possible that R & S see Tambal's troops rushing past and learn about the war that way, but it seems like an Awfully Big Coincidence(TM).

A little data (from google's AI): Bronze Age armies generally ranged from a few thousand fighters for smaller, local conflicts to upwards of 10,000–20,000+ troops for major, state-level confrontations between large empires. While major battles like Kadesh involved up to 50,000 men per side, many smaller engagements may have involved only hundreds of fighters.

So coming back to your scenario: it sounds like Tambal is gearing up for Kheir-Tuom (a nice reflection of Khartoum, in Sudan) to challenge some other town in Sudan - so the army would probably be a few hundred warriors. If he was trying something bigger (e.g. invading Punt, which is probably today's Ethiopia), the army would be much bigger (and much more obvious).

A few more points about the army:

- How is it armed and armoured?
- What about morale? A low-morale unit is more likely to break and desert, or not be keen on marching in the first place (and lagging behind). Maybe that's how R & S find out about it.
- Is Tambal accompanying the army? Some ancient kings did this (e.g. see Ramesses II of Egypt at Kadesh).
=================
So far for Tambal. What about Kaara? It seems like her powers are limited to summoning creatures (the rhinoceros, giant scorpion, and bird). Does she have any other powers? How would she defend herself in battle?

One last point about R & S's exile. As I said, I agree that Rothwulf and Sokkari should be in exile for a while before they hear the news about Tambal's tyranny (communications in the Bronze Age were obviously slow). What do they do? Do they wander in the desert aimlessly? Do they recruit allies? Since this is a "fantasy Sudan", maybe they appeal to the Egyptian Pharaoh in the north for help, and he sends them some troops, on condition that ... [fill in condition here -- favourable trade terms, maybe? Land grab? Etc.]

Lastly: if Kheir-Tuom's queen is deposed, the Egyptian Pharaoh (or equivalent) will not sit there passively and do nothing! Does the Pharaoh also invade? Or send a raiding party? Maybe R & S intercept the raiders and suborn them to their (i.e. R & S's) side? Anything might happen.

Anyway, sorry -- I've been talking much too long about this. It sounds like you have an exciting story here, but it needs more details. I hope you find some of these ideas useful. Good luck!

 

[Brandon S. Pilcher]

FWIW, I originally pictured Rothwulf and Sokkari's climactic battle as taking place within the palace after they sneaked back in rather than on an open battlefield, but the latter works fine too. Since the Puntites are the people Tambal wants to attack, I feel they'd be the most logical allies for our heroes. It might even be that Punt is where they're headed after their initial exile, since they might want to warn the Puntite rulers about Tambal's designs on them.

The two armies should be equally matched, since they don't wear a lot of armor due to the hot North African climate and use bronze weapons and hide shields.

 

[Homer Potvin]

her husband (and brother) Arbaab

That's two people or she married her brother?

 

[Brandon S. Pilcher]

That's two people or she married her brother?

The usual practice for the Iremites is that kings marry their siblings, rather like Egyptian pharaohs. That's one reason the relationship between Sokkari and Rothwulf becomes a scandal.

 

[Homer Potvin]

The usual practice for the Iremites is that kings marry their siblings, rather like Egyptian pharaohs. That's one reason the relationship between Sokkari and Rothwulf becomes a scandal.

Thought so. King Tut had several birth defects I think from all the inbreeding. Gross.

 

[Homer Potvin]

Outline looks good. It's all in the execution obviously, but the story appears to be solid. Tough to tell much more than that.

 

[Stuart Dren]

Yeah this seems fine as an outline. If there's a weak spot it's here:

* The bird vocalizes the sounds it "recorded" before the whole of Sokkari's court. Tambal seizes the throne for himself and has Sokkari and Rothwulf exiled.

* While Rothwulf and Sokkari are heading out of Irem, they learn that Tambal has become a warmongering tyrant, using Kaara as his right-hand woman. They elect to remove him from power once and for all.

I agree that it takes some time to express oneself as a warmonger, and news can only travel so fast. Either they need to linger, or perhaps they should go into exile and live together. In fact, what if they end up thriving and the queen discovers true happiness that way? Then it's duty that draws them back, forcing them to choose between their happy lives together and risking everything to stop calamitous wars.

As for the queen being dethroned, it sounds a bit too easy? A part of me expects maneuvering a conveniently discovered puppet 'heir' into place that the public may be more likely to accept.