Having a Moment With My Sister. (480 words)

Donnie

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Having a Moment With My Sister

"Come out and look at the sky!” He shouted through the screen door.

“I don't care about your stupid meteors, bug off,” his sister cried back, “I'm watching T.V.”

“Sis, the commercials just started, they'll be showing the same old commercials they've been running since 11:00 twice.”he said with some annoyance, “You could see 4 or 5 falling stars right now, and your butt will be back on the couch, before the movie starts again.” Then he said, with a bit of sing song in his voice, “You can make a wish on them.”

“I've already made one wish tonight, and it hasn't happened.” She said with her signature eye roll,”Stop bothering me, twerp!”

Well that made him mad, he read about the meteor shower in the paper last week. It would last 3 weeks, and tonight was its apex, two or three, maybe even 5 falling stars a minute could fall at times. And it was Saturday night,and mom and dad said he could stay up and watch it in the backyard, if his sister would also stay up.
Well watching TV till past 3:00 in the morning she was all for that.


“If you don't come out right now, and see at least three, or four meteors with me, I will twist the antenna pole,” he said through gritted teeth, “ you'll be watching nothing but static.”

“You do that, I'll pound you into the ground, you little runt!” she yelled.

“Well to do that you'll have to get your big butt off the couch, and come outside,” he said, with a pleading sneer that only a 12 year old boy can pull off.”

“She just looked down her nose toward him, got up, and walked outside. “Okay what's the big deal twerp.”

“Just look up, you'll see streaks of light flashing across the sky.” He paused, “You can make a wish on them,” he said again.

She looked up, and after a few seconds she saw her first falling star, then another, and another. Then two at once, another one, then none. She waited for about a minute, she thought it must be done, then it started again, this time more and faster.

He asked her, in a congenial voice, “Did you make a wish?”

“Yes,” she responded, giving him a side glance, “but you didn't vaporize.”
“Geez Sis!” he said. “Do you always have to…”
“Shuuush."

”She shushed him softly," and said, “this is nice.”

They both kept their eyes on the sky, watching meteoroids hit the atmosphere, flash, streak, and burn out.


“You know,” she said gently, “you're still a little twerp.”

“Well,” he said without taking his eyes off the sky, “I can live with that.”
As he uttered those words, meteors started falling at a rate of 10 to 12 a minute.
 
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I'll come back to this properly tomorrow, but I'll give you one recommendation tonight.

Drop the final line entirely. Let the implication of the story linger with the reader. You've already done the work in the previous passage to build the image.
 
Hey its OK. Just enjoy the the story or not.
I've been dictating bunches of my old note books ,on to Google Docs from my phone for awhile now. Just wanted to share. It's all good.
 
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