Sentence need fixing

[Bakkerbaard]

I'm going through the corrections from betareaders, and they all trip over the same words in one way or another. With your permission, I would like to present it you, because I have now stared myself blind on it.
I also believe I may have asked you this exact question before, but that was way back when I wrote it, and eventually figured I'd "get it later." It's later now.

With a sigh, she surveyed the scene that had unfolded here: Four security guards pointed cattle prods at an eighteen-year-old blonde with her hands in the air. Before she managed to approach her assumed niece, Lilith was blocked by Hospitality’s crew manager, Linda, who nervously tapped a tablet.

The problem lies with "assumed niece." I need a better, but still compact way, to formulate it.
The dynamics between Lilith and the blonde eighteen-year-old (Kayleigh) are as follows:
Lilith is a long time friend of Kayleigh's parents. Nothing more. No adoptions, godparenting, or anything official. She's just been a friend of the family for so long that she's sort of become Aunt Lilith. Most of us have got someone like that, right?

Readers who have read the previous books should be able to infer the meaning, but my betareaders keep suggesting this is not adequate wording.
I can't just leave it at "niece" either, because there has been some godmothering going on with someone else, and previously known dynamics have shifted some, but Lilith is really just an unoffical aunt.

 

[Hammer]

Can't you just put niece in inverted commas? Before she managed to approach her "niece". If you're in the know it would make sense, but even if not, it's clear that you're not using the word actually to mean a sibling's daughter.

 

[Naomasa298]

Show, don't tell. Include a scene, or a thought that explains the explanation early in the book, and thereafter, just use normal pronouns or a name to refer to her. In this scene, that just means replacing "assumed niece" with "Kayleigh".

 

[Dogberry's Watch]

I recommend "unofficial." The thing I'm gonna say is you mentioned the relationship is explained in previous books? So, readers who have previously read your stuff will already know this, and explaining again won't really be necessary, especially in this moment. "Unofficial" is what I use to describe my relationship to my best friend's kids. She just calls me Auntie Dogberry, though.

 

[CdnWriter]

Honorary niece? I know someone wrote a time off request to attend the funeral of a honorary uncle, not a blood relation but close friends with her parents, thus "uncle."

My first thought was actually "adopted" - there are unofficial adoptions and formal adoptions. I'm thinking where a parent is undergoing a medical treatment, like for cancer and arranges for a family friend to care for their child. There's no legal or permanent transfer of guardianship involving the courts but the friend is given and accepts the responsibility for caring for the child. Think of the issue when parents write wills (or should write...) and they name a guardian for their child in the event of their death, that type of relationship.

 

[Bakkerbaard]

Sorry for the dealy. I was being distracted by en entirely different toy for a while.

Can't you just put niece in inverted commas? Before she managed to approach her "niece". If you're in the know it would make sense, but even if not, it's clear that you're not using the word actually to mean a sibling's daughter.

This seems like a simple solution for the problem.

Show, don't tell. Include a scene, or a thought that explains the explanation early in the book, and thereafter, just use normal pronouns or a name to refer to her. In this scene, that just means replacing "assumed niece" with "Kayleigh".

I'd love to, but my showing always needs a lot of words, and I'm desperately trying to cut the word count.
Actually, my telling uses a lot of words, too.

So, readers who have previously read your stuff will already know this, and explaining again won't really be necessary, especially in this moment.

Technically, they would, yeah. But even the betareaders who have read the previous books stumble over my phrasing. May have something to do with that there's 24 years between the stories in universe.
But I still want to avoid a whole sideroad where I explain everything again. I've got enough tangents. They're kinda my think, as long as they're funny.

My first thought was actually "adopted"

That seems to be the betareaders' go-to as well. It doesn't even impact the story as a whole, but I want to keep the facts straight. You know, that's imporant when you're, uh, writing about a guy bumbling his way into Hell and becoming best buds with the Devil. Facts only!

 

[Louanne Learning]

With a sigh, she surveyed the scene that had unfolded here: Four security guards pointed cattle prods at an eighteen-year-old blonde with her hands in the air. Before she managed to approach her assumed niece, Lilith was blocked by Hospitality’s crew manager, Linda, who nervously tapped a tablet.

I hope you don't mind me giving you some unsolicited advice - and that is to describe events in chronological order - to describe what the POV experienced as she was experiencing them. (She saw the scene, then sighed)

Four security guards pointed cattle prods at an eighteen-year-old blonde with her hands in the air. Before Lilith managed to approach her "adopted" niece, she was blocked by Hospitality’s crew manager, Linda, who nervously tapped a tablet. With a sigh, Lilith surveyed the scene.

 

[Naomasa298]

If you absolutely must do it, then the phrase you want is "surrogate niece".

 

[Bakkerbaard]

I should be done with the SPAG corrections soon now, and I'll start on the big ones.
This is now the first one I'm gonna tackle.

Thanks!

 

[jazzabel]

I'm going through the corrections from betareaders, and they all trip over the same words in one way or another. With your permission, I would like to present it you, because I have now stared myself blind on it.
I also believe I may have asked you this exact question before, but that was way back when I wrote it, and eventually figured I'd "get it later." It's later now.

With a sigh, she surveyed the scene that had unfolded here: Four security guards pointed cattle prods at an eighteen-year-old blonde with her hands in the air. Before she managed to approach her assumed niece, Lilith was blocked by Hospitality’s crew manager, Linda, who nervously tapped a tablet.

The problem lies with "assumed niece." I need a better, but still compact way, to formulate it.
The dynamics between Lilith and the blonde eighteen-year-old (Kayleigh) are as follows:
Lilith is a long time friend of Kayleigh's parents. Nothing more. No adoptions, godparenting, or anything official. She's just been a friend of the family for so long that she's sort of become Aunt Lilith. Most of us have got someone like that, right?

Readers who have read the previous books should be able to infer the meaning, but my betareaders keep suggesting this is not adequate wording.
I can't just leave it at "niece" either, because there has been some godmothering going on with someone else, and previously known dynamics have shifted some, but Lilith is really just an unoffical aunt.

The way I would approach this is the order in which things happened, and what can be done while doing something else. Getting that right always improves the reading of it.
“With a sigh, she surveyed the scene” - how long is this sigh? It’s clear what you meant, but something jars, because the durations of the two concurrent actions don’t match. It’s a small thing, but can help.
“Before she managed to approach her assumed niece, Lilith was blocked by Hospitality’s crew manager, Linda, who nervously tapped a tablet.
“Assumed” - might read better if a different word, eg. “supposed”. “Assumed” harks to the language of reports. Also a small thing,
Otherwise, the order of things if on stage would be, Lilith starts to approach her assumed niece, then notices Linda nervously tap her tablet, then finds she is blocked. She had to notice the tap before she was blocked, because that’s chronological order, and yet the tap is last in your sentence, so it feels off.
When I have sentences with too much going on and not reading right, I go back to chronology and rewrite it in a way that doesn;t violate the logical sequence of events.

 

[Kiraann]

You said there’s 24 years between this book and the prior one but the girl is 18. How would readers of the other books know who Kayleigh is?

Also, is this the first appearance of Kayleigh in the book, and by logical extension, any of the books?

 

[Bakkerbaard]

You said there’s 24 years between this book and the prior one but the girl is 18. How would readers of the other books know who Kayleigh is?

Also, is this the first appearance of Kayleigh in the book, and by logical extension, any of the books?

Yeah, in the previous two stories Eddie and Rosalie (Kay's parents) were around 25. The third book is supposed to bridge a gap, and make it so the events of another book I hope to write at some point don't come out of nothing. Kayleigh wasn't in the other books. In fact, in the first book her father wasn't even able to talk to her mother from the nerves.
Kayleigh is introduced right at the start of this current book. A problem in itself, because the time timegap requires re-setting the world and giving the reader updates about the wherabouts of characters they expect to at least be somewhere. That pushes the inciting incident back farther than is generally desired.

Anyway, by the time the above scene happens, we'll all be familiar with Kayleigh, and, if I did my job right, like her, too. She's well known at that point.

 

[Kiraann]

Anyway, by the time the above scene happens, we'll all be familiar with Kayleigh, and, if I did my job right, like her, too. She's well known at that point.

In that case, just refer to her as Kayleigh. No need to throw in an extraneous phrase that doesn’t affect the scene.