Subtle ways to make a reader fall in love with a character.

[RMBrown]

I am working on a story, "realistic horror" told from the viewpoint of the bad guy or "monster" . The object of his affection or obsession is the girl next door. Good looking, healthy and sexually appealing he can't get her out of his head. The problem, or perceived problem is that as a man it takes very little for me to look at a woman and find her very appealing. Sometimes someone just has that vibe, that certain something that says everything is just right. Unfortunately being a very simple and basic male, it doesn't take much. I fell in with my wife 48 years ago, it was quick, it was basic with no Hallmark type of lead up. I have dropped a few hints throughout the story that I think will justify the guy's obsession but worry that a reader may not, based on my description and perceptions feel the same way. For the story to work my goal was to make the woman good looking, healthy, successful and happy, innocent. If you had only a few sentences to create that feeling, how would you write it? Happy to pass along my story to anyone who is interested in doing a beta read if you need more info, it is about 7000 words.



Any advice is welcome, I am looking for, like most writers looking for that magic sentence or description that somehow hits a home run.

My into to the character:

It was one of those first sunny days of spring when everything started budding. There is the fresh bright green that only spring seems to bring, new life and a new season. That's when I spotted them for the first time, they were hard not to notice. I nicknamed them Ken and Barbie right away. She was not blond, but she had that healthy country girl good looks. Very fit with brown hair in a tight-fitting white cotton dress that clung to her body. She would turn heads wherever she went. He could pass for Ken, physically fit with a shirt that might have been a little too small, clean-cut with a chiseled chin and a gait that exuded confidence and success. I thought for a moment, did he look that way because he had her? or did he get her because he looked that way? It would take me weeks before I learned their story. For now I was captivated by their body language. They held hands and smiled as they looked at each other. It was easy to see how much they loved each other. They moved as one, chatting and giggling with each other as they strolled by.


Thanks Bob

 

[Madman Starryteller]

Love can strike quickly and without mercy.

If you perceive that you haven't done enough to warrant the obsession of the monster for the reader, then perhaps you need a second pair of eyes on the text? Horror isn't my stuff, but I'm sure someone would be happy to take a look. You can post in the collaboration part of the forum.

Otherwise, I can reassure you that as a basic and simple man myself, I also have an easy time falling for someone. Back when I used to date via apps, if I matched with the right person, I could start building a life with them in my head, even if it never lead to anything. But I'm weird...

Also, at 7000 words I take it this is a short story? If so I wouldn't worry too much about the monster's motivations. If it were a book, maybe you could extend things and go into detail of how she was friendly to him, being neighbours and all. Guys usually take all the wrong hints when a woman is just friendly with them.

 

[Rigor Mortis]

The first thing I'd suggest is to drop the Ken and Barbie allusion. I don't know about others here, but referencing Ken and Barbie is always pejorative in my experience. It may be intended to cast aspersions on her male companion but it extends to her too.

There's two things. Wanting to show how your character becomes obsessed with her is one thing, wanting the reader to be drawn to her is another. The first doesn't require anything necessarily rational, can be just a quirk of a strange man. The second is more difficult and, to do that, the reader needs something more than her having a hot body. I'd suggest that something of her character needs to be portrayed in how she walks, interacts with her environment, holds herself. Something endearing, whatever that might mean to you, needs to be put across.

 

[Madman Starryteller]

Oh and I want to be clearer. Don't post the story in collaboration, just post that you're looking for a beta reader for the story.

@Rigor Mortis comment above is spot on as well.