Share your first three sentences

[Hammer]

There is a school of thought that we have three sentences to grab a reader's attention. They don't necessarily need to know the ins and outs of the story, we just need need to grab 'em or they will toss the work aside and look at something else.

This was a fun thread on the old forum so I thought I would try to breathe life into it here.

This isn't in the workshop so bear in mind that it might technically count as publishing, but unless you open with something like "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times", your opening may not become that iconic, but please do consider before posting; that said, there are no critique "rules", you can post your own three without offering any opinions, you can offer opinions without posting any sentences, the opinion can be as short as "yes I would read more"., but should follow our rules on good manners and decorum. It can be a work-in-progress, or simply a spitball.

I will start - this is the opening to a somewhat esoteric fantasy based around the seven deadly sins that I am enjoying writing but could do with being told whether to carry on or start again...

==============================
Roland peered into the alley where the man had disappeared. Roland wasn’t usually a curious person – that is, he was "curious" inasmuch as he was overweight, underheight, and he persistently wore yellow trousers with a black check, a tweed sports-jacket, and, even in summer, a colourful scarf – but he wasn’t curious curious. Roland was the person who was content to look in one direction whilst life happened in the other, but the vanishing man had piqued his usually dormant interest.
==============================

Would you read on?

 

[DLC]

Roland peered into the alley where the man had disappeared. Roland wasn’t usually a curious person – that is, he was "curious" inasmuch as he was overweight, underheight, and he persistently wore yellow trousers with a black check, a tweed sports-jacket, and, even in summer, a colourful scarf – but he wasn’t curious curious. Roland was the person who was content to look in one direction whilst life happened in the other, but the vanishing man had piqued his usually dormant interest.

'Persistently' isn't working for me. It reads well enough, and I'd want to know what this guy is (a wizard?) Think I'd play with it and find another way of saying he always wore the same (drab?) things.

 

[Louanne Learning]

==============================
Roland peered into the alley where the man had disappeared. Roland wasn’t usually a curious person – that is, he was "curious" inasmuch as he was overweight, underheight, and he persistently wore yellow trousers with a black check, a tweed sports-jacket, and, even in summer, a colourful scarf – but he wasn’t curious curious. Roland was the person who was content to look in one direction whilst life happened in the other, but the vanishing man had piqued his usually dormant interest.
==============================

Would you read on?

Yes, I would read on, but maybe the first and second sentences can be made more active? (instead of "peered" and "wasn't")

I'd also cut out a few extra words.

The (an adjective might do here) man disappeared into the alley, catching Roland's eye. Curiosity normally dodged him—though it may have defined him, overweight and underheight in his yellow trousers, black-checked, tweed sports-jacket and colorful scarf. Life happened while Roland usually looked in the other direction, but the vanishing man had piqued his interest.

 

[Banespawn]

Roland peered into the alley where the man had disappeared. Roland wasn’t usually a curious person – that is, he was "curious" inasmuch as he was overweight, underheight, and he persistently wore yellow trousers with a black check, a tweed sports-jacket, and, even in summer, a colourful scarf – but he wasn’t curious curious. Roland was the person who was content to look in one direction whilst life happened in the other, but the vanishing man had piqued his usually dormant interest.
==============================

Would you read on?

The analogy doesn't work, IMO. We are told that he isn't usually curious, but then his curiosity is compared to things with a high degree of permanence. Maybe he'll lose weight, and maybe he'll wear different clothing, but I don't see him getting taller any time soon. That all suggests that he is a very curious person, which contradicts the initial premise.

It feels to me like the analogy was added as a way to describe Roland. It feels forced.

I'd also note the lack of a reason for Roland's curiosity to be piqued. This opening is essentially saying that Roland noticed something so interesting that even he was curious, but it fails to tell us what that thing is. I'm of the opinion that we should hook the reader with the information we give them rather than the information we withhold. If the vanishing man is that interesting, show us why and let that be the hook, rather than a vague allusion to it.

 

[aside_dish]

Thought of this last night. Probably shit, but we'll see

Title: Murder ^[sup]Consultant[/sup] For Hire (edit: any idea how to use superscript?)

First, a disclaimer: this book is not meant to be used in the course of actually murdering anyone. If it just so happens that the fact pattern of a murder exactly fits what's described in this book, it's merely a coincidence.

Instead, this is a book about killing Tom, a fictional character that's definitely not based on a particularly prickish boss who may or may not have gone missing last year.

 

[Naomasa298]

Title: Murder ^[sup]Consultant[/sup] For Hire (edit: any idea how to use superscript?)

I was looking for that too.

 

[Banespawn]

I couldn't find a way to do it on this site, but I was able to do it in Scrivener, clip the screenshot of it, then paste the image here.

Not a great solution, but it works.

 

[Naomasa298]

E=mc²

You can copy superscripted text from another page and paste it here, and it will work fine.

 

[Trish]

First, a disclaimer: this book is not meant to be used in the course of actually murdering anyone. If it just so happens that the fact pattern of a murder exactly fits what's described in this book, it's merely a coincidence.

Instead, this is a book about killing Tom, a fictional character that's definitely not based on a particularly prickish boss who may or may not have gone missing last year.

The first two are meh for me.

The third was funny, and made the first 2 funnier. I'd probably reverse them, drop 'instead' and start the 2nd with 'Disclaimer'.

I'd keep reading either way though.

 

[wearywanderer64]

“Do you call that a client’s seat? It looks more like a dirty toilet. You ought to get a cleaner in here. The joint could sure go with one.”

 

[Louanne Learning]

“Do you call that a client’s seat? It looks more like a dirty toilet. You ought to get a cleaner in here. The joint could sure go with one.”

I have a personal rule that I never begin with dialogue. First, give the reader an image in which to place the dialogue. And they want to know who is talking. Also - there would be replies?

“Do you call that a client’s seat?"

Reply

"It looks more like a dirty toilet."

Reply

"You ought to get a cleaner in here."

Reply

"The joint could sure go with one.”

 

[Counterpoint]

I'll bite. Here's one. I'm 17K words in so far.

"A gentle rain tapped rhythmically on the windshield as William watched the autumn leaves flutter onto the sidewalk, pulled from the trees' safety by the water's weight. Like the leaves, he was being pulled back here by the weight of his past. The unmistakable smell of wet foliage coming through the vents of the car made him feel as though he had entered a time capsule."

 

[Louanne Learning]

I'll bite. Here's one. I'm 17K words in so far.

"A gentle rain tapped rhythmically on the windshield as William watched the autumn leaves flutter onto the sidewalk, pulled from the trees' safety by the water's weight. Like the leaves, he was being pulled back here by the weight of his past. The unmistakable smell of wet foliage coming through the vents of the car made him feel as though he had entered a time capsule."

"William watched" is what we call a filter word. I would instead start by setting the scene, and then avoid filter words and passive voice.

William drove the (winding road?). A gentle rain tapped on the windshield, and autumn leaves, pulled down by the rain, fluttered about. Likewise, memories pulled on him, to the past. The scent of wet foliage seeped into the car's vents, and sent him into a trip though time.

 

[Trish]

I have a personal rule that I never begin with dialogue. First, give the reader an image in which to place the dialogue. And they want to know who is talking. Also - there would be replies?

“Do you call that a client’s seat?"

Reply

"It looks more like a dirty toilet."

Reply

"You ought to get a cleaner in here."

Reply

"The joint could sure go with one.”

I took it as one person going on a mini tirade.

 

[wearywanderer64]

I took it as one person going on a mini tirade.

True. It was one person going on a tirade.

 

[Louanne Learning]

I took it as one person going on a mini tirade.

Yes, I suppose so, but it seems more likely that the other person would interject something.

 

[wearywanderer64]

I have a personal rule that I never begin with dialogue. First, give the reader an image in which to place the dialogue. And they want to know who is talking. Also - there would be replies?

“Do you call that a client’s seat?"

Reply

"It looks more like a dirty toilet."

Reply

"You ought to get a cleaner in here."

Reply

"The joint could sure go with one.”

Thanks for that. I might change it. I'll see how it goes.

 

[Trish]

I guess it's technically 4 sentences. Oops.

The door slams and I am immediately awake. My heart skips as I struggle to control my breathing. In - two, three, four, I count in my head. Out - two, three, four. Slow. Steady.

 

[Naomasa298]

I don't discount starting with dialogue. Dialogue can be an efficient way to begin a scene, if it a achieves purpose. You might use dialogue to immediately establish atmosphere, or character voice. It's something to be careful with, but not to completely discard, although I usually pair it with things happening, I rarely start off with a single line of unembellished dialogue.

 

[Trish]

I don't discount starting with dialogue. Dialogue can be an efficient way to begin a scene, if it a achieves purpose. You might use dialogue to immediately establish atmosphere, or character voice. It's something to be careful with, but not to completely discard.

Agree entirely.