Share your first three sentences

[Louanne Learning]

I guess it's technically 4 sentences. Oops.

The door slams and I am immediately awake. My heart skips as I struggle to control my breathing. In - two, three, four, I count in my head. Out - two, three, four. Slow. Steady.

It's got a real nice intensity to it. I would only make slight changes. Make the first sentence into two, to pick up the pace. And replace "as" with "and"

The door slams. I am immediately awake. My heart skips and I struggle to control my breathing....

 

[Louanne Learning]

I don't discount starting with dialogue. Dialogue can be an efficient way to begin a scene, if it a achieves purpose. You might use dialogue to immediately establish atmosphere, or character voice. It's something to be careful with, but not to completely discard, although I usually pair it with things happening, I rarely start off with a single line of unembellished dialogue.

Yeah, I recognize it's a personal preference to first give the reader an image to work with.

 

[Naomasa298]

Yeah, I recognize it's a personal preference to first give the reader an image to work with.

Dialogue is just one way of achieving that.

 

[Louanne Learning]

Dialogue is just one way of achieving that.

Doesn't do it for me.

 

[Naomasa298]

Doesn't do it for me.

It works for some readers and writers, not others.

 

[Louanne Learning]

It works for some readers and writers, not others.

You know, there is one flash I read that was totally and completely dialogue and resonated with me.

It was @Set2Stun flash entitled (If I recall correctly) - An Android Story, literally (it's in his signature)

 

[ellekaldwin]

I love reading all of these! The first opening lines are so important and sometimes I'll just browse books and flip them open to read the first page.

I haven't posted any of my writings anywhere before, but I'll post a small bit of what I've written in the past. This was a long time ago on an abandoned WIP, so please be kind lol

The squeaky door hinges pull Vasya's attention away from the crack in the ceiling she’s memorized over the past six months. The same crack in the plaster. The same tune the hinges sing as the door opens. The same hard mattress. And the same doctor with the same questions.
The doctor is nice enough - kind brown eyes, a patient smile, and a halo of tight curls around her head. The sterile fluorescent lights do little to dim the radiance of her warm brown skin. It took two of the six months to learn that her name is Jessica, but she still hasn’t shared her last name. Maybe in another four months, she’ll be blessed with knowing it. But for now, she turns to watch Jessica walk into the small room and sit on the same stool with the same clipboard.

Edit: This is more than three sentences I know, but with the repetition I'm trying to get across, I decided to overshare a bit. Sorry!

 

[DLC]

Stories that start with dialogue? I think I got one of those in my trunk somewhere. Ah, yes. Here it is. (blows off dust)

“BUY!” Junior sales orc Krac Vomit gave a final hard lash to the writhing old ogre strapped naked to the kitchen table. The elderly ogre gave a final shudder as Krac untied him and stood back, grinning his best sales grin. He’d been at it 20 minutes.

 

[Set2Stun]

I start a fair number of shorts with dialogue. I've kinda become a dialogue guy. I love it, and I'm a lot better at writing it than I am at describing stuff in an interesting, engaging way.

With my most recent stories, I find myself beginning with action, or at least an introduction of stakes, in an attempt to hook in a reader. I feel like it's less risky than trying to hook someone in with descriptions of the setting and/or characters, but I'll try to mix in a little description if it's appropriate. When I want to try and establish the setting and mood early on, it's almost exclusively for horror. For example:

Flames from the oil-fueled streetlights flickered along the deserted main street of town, lighting the path of a tall, hooded figure. Its features were concealed by long robes, black as the shadows it cast as it made silent strides towards its destination–the home of its next victim.

And here's some examples for the former, where I want to focus on immediate action or stakes:

Staleri carefully navigated his hoverpod down the grey, debris-strewn street, dodging piles of rubble, and occasionally feeling the jolt of the autonomous thrusters when he got too close to an obstacle. It’s not too late, Staleri tried convincing himself. I can still save my son.

I heard the thunk of the arrow striking the tree behind me before I felt the pain in my thigh.

“Kihew!” I called out. “Ambush!” My apprentice scout’s sharp eyes quickly spotted one of the hidden attackers and fired an arrow back before retreating with me to a thick copse nearby.

 

[Trish]

I love reading all of these! The first opening lines are so important and sometimes I'll just browse books and flip them open to read the first page.

I haven't posted any of my writings anywhere before, but I'll post a small bit of what I've written in the past. This was a long time ago on an abandoned WIP, so please be kind lol

The squeaky door hinges pull Vasya's attention away from the crack in the ceiling she’s memorized over the past six months. The same crack in the plaster. The same tune the hinges sing as the door opens. The same hard mattress. And the same doctor with the same questions.
The doctor is nice enough - kind brown eyes, a patient smile, and a halo of tight curls around her head. The sterile fluorescent lights do little to dim the radiance of her warm brown skin. It took two of the six months to learn that her name is Jessica, but she still hasn’t shared her last name. Maybe in another four months, she’ll be blessed with knowing it. But for now, she turns to watch Jessica walk into the small room and sit on the same stool with the same clipboard.

Edit: This is more than three sentences I know, but with the repetition I'm trying to get across, I decided to overshare a bit. Sorry!

I don't think you needed to overshare to manage to hook. At least not for me.

 

[aside_dish]

The first two are meh for me.

The third was funny, and made the first 2 funnier. I'd probably reverse them, drop 'instead' and start the 2nd with 'Disclaimer'.

I'd keep reading either way though.

Thanks, that reads much better!

 

[Trish]

Thanks, that reads much better!

You're welcome

 

[Louanne Learning]

I've just about got my opening post ready for the new roleplay (The Jade Empire). Here's the first three sentences:

Shanghai City, China, Spring, 1858

The brick and stone Georgian townhouse, elegant in design, located in the British Concession of Shanghai, seemed an odd place to arrange a murder. In the dim library, a pervasive sense of corruption hung in the air, like evil ghosts.

“So,” the rich merchant asked, “you have no qualms about dispatching a man of peace?”

 

[Bone2pick]

The brick and stone Georgian townhouse, elegant in design, located in the British Concession of Shanghai, seemed an odd place to arrange a murder. In the dim library, a pervasive sense of corruption hung in the air, like evil ghosts.

“So,” the rich merchant asked, “you have no qualms about dispatching a man of peace?”

I really like parts of the opening sentence. My preference would be to streamline it into: The elegant brick and stone Georgian townhouse seemed an odd place to arrange a murder. And then drop in the location details a little later.

The ghosts metaphor is cool and evocative imo, though I’m not sure it needs the evil modifier or the comma before "like." I probably would also appreciate some additional setting description and narration before the dialogue enters the scene.

Just my cursory thoughts. Best of luck with your roleplay.

 

[Louanne Learning]

Best of luck to your roleplay.

Thank you!

 

[Louanne Learning]

The elegant brick and stone Georgian townhouse seemed an odd place to arrange a murder.

Thanks for that, I think I will include that info in the header instead. Thanks!

 

[DLC]

Ok I got this bit I wrote for this thing I've been at for awhile. I'm kinda um and ah about it.


Shadows reached from the distant black stones, joining the darkness of the woods beyond as the day came to a close. Small animals of the evening hours had begun to appear, scurrying below the trees where chattering birds began to settle for the night.
Vitor went to the sleeping girl as Lex and Joren saddled the horses and mules as the birds and their songs swept through the budding trees.

 

[Trish]

Ok I got this bit I wrote for this thing I've been at for awhile. I'm kinda um and ah about it.


Shadows reached from the distant black stones, joining the darkness of the woods beyond as the day came to a close. Small animals of the evening hours had begun to appear, scurrying below the trees where chattering birds began to settle for the night.
Vitor went to the sleeping girl as Lex and Joren saddled the horses and mules as the birds and their songs swept through the budding trees.

Too much bird for me is my first thought. It feels (to me) like you're cramming all this woodland tranquility into 3 sentences and it's work instead of tranquil. It's crowded I guess I'm trying to say. For tranquility, less is more. We don't need 'evening hours' for example because you already said shadows are stretching toward the trees and the day is closing. We know it's dusk.

The last sentence I'd either stop at mules or say what Vitor does next.

Would I keep reading? Probably. But it would be with hope instead of need, if that makes sense?

 

[DLC]

The last sentence I'd either stop at mules or say what Vitor does next.

I agree, It's what was bothering me, I think. Too much bird too soon. I'm not sure about the 'evening animals', but I've pretty much worked with animals and forests all my life and that's how things go, it's like they're changing shifts, which they are. You are technically correct. But, I still um and ah about it. I want to get across this 'changing of the guard'. Decisions decisions.

 

[Trish]

I agree, It's what was bothering me, I think. Too much bird too soon. I'm not sure about the 'evening animals', but I've pretty much worked with animals and forests all my life and that's how things go, it's like they're changing shifts, which they are. You are technically correct. But, I still um and ah about it. I want to get across this 'changing of the guard'. Decisions decisions.

I wasn't saying there's too much animal. I totally get what you're going for (I also have worked with animals my whole life and am a country girl through and through - lots of time in the woods) and I'm saying you have it. It's already there, without evening hours.

I'm repeating myself only because based on your response I'm not sure what I meant was clear - not to be a jerk and all my way is right grrrrr. I'm not right-fighting at all (just in case it comes across that way).