We need a new logline thread

[Catrin Lewis]

So I may as well start it.

Here's what I've got so far for my romantic suspense novel:

• "A newlywed couple must risk everything to save the man who tried to end their marriage before it began."

I had another one, but it sounded better in my head. Maybe I'll throw it in later.

Let's hear what you have.

 

[Madman Starryteller]

Your logline is interesting and raise questions. One is why is this man so important? Another, why risk so much to save someone who worked against them? Which is good.

Here goes one of my latest versions for my main book series:

"As star systems disappear a young man sentenced to military service carries a key that could change the universe."

 

[Catrin Lewis]

Your logline is interesting and raise questions. One is why is this man so important? Another, why risk so much to save someone who worked against them? Which is good.

Here goes one of my latest versions for my main book series:

"As star systems disappear a young man sentenced to military service carries a key that could change the universe."

Raising the questions, why are the star systems disappearing? Why was the young man sentenced to military service (vs. being drafted)? Was the sentence just or not? Will he use the "key" he has willingly, or have the sentencers put him in the military to force him to use it? Or do they not know about it, and might his penal service prevent him from using it to stop the disappearance of the stars? The universe is already changing; will his key further change it for good or for ill?

There ya go.

 

[Homer Potvin]

I suck at these so feel free to disregard.

"A newlywed couple must risk everything to save the man who tried to end their marriage before it began."

Interesting idea but clunky verbiage. Not sure if the guy tried to have them killed or not, but if so, I would just say, "A newlywed couple risks everything to save the man who tried to kill them." But not sure if that would be an accurate statement. It's the "before it began" part that is throwing me, making me wonder why that would be relevant.

"As star systems disappear a young man sentenced to military service carries a key that could change the universe."

I'd say the same with the clunky verbiage. I don't have any great suggestions, but the "change the universe" part could be more interesting/specific/less cliche.

 

[Catrin Lewis]

"A newlywed couple must risk everything to save the man who tried to end their marriage before it began."

Interesting idea but clunky verbiage. Not sure if the guy tried to have them killed or not, but if so, I would just say, "A newlywed couple risks everything to save the man who tried to kill them." But not sure if that would be an accurate statement. It's the "before it began" part that is throwing me, making me wonder why that would be relevant.

Hmm. Useful to know how these things can come off--- it's why we have these threads.

In my novel's case, the guy threatens the protagonists' relationship, not the protagonists themselves. He's an old boyfriend of the bride's who swoops in in the months before the wedding, doing his damnedest to break her off from the MMC and reclaim her for his own.

It could be phrased more elegantly, yes. Any suggestions?

 

[Louanne Learning]

It could be phrased more elegantly, yes. Any suggestions?

What does it mean that they risk everything?

 

[Homer Potvin]

"A newlywed couple must risk everything to save the man who tried to end their marriage before it began."

Hmm. Useful to know how these things can come off--- it's why we have these threads.

In my novel's case, the guy threatens the protagonists' relationship, not the protagonists themselves. He's an old boyfriend of the bride's who swoops in in the months before the wedding, doing his damnedest to break her off from the MMC and reclaim her for his own.

It could be phrased more elegantly, yes. Any suggestions?

Okay. I figured it was something more like that. How about going with just "tried to ruin their lives" or something. It needs some oomph. Or, like with what Louanne asked, if they risk their lives, you could rephrase as "A newlywed couple risks their lives to save the man who tried to ruin theirs," assuming that's what we're talking about, obviously.