Question: how to make a character "sound" scared?

[Rath Darkblade]

So ... I'd like to make one of my supporting characters "sound" permanently nervous and/or scared. (I don't mean body language, but I mean through his speech).

The story-world I'm writing has a proto-zombie invasion, but these zombies are just as smart, quick and strong as humans -- and they have one or two extra powers. (I'm rootin' for the zombies). So, naturally, my character would be afraid of them.

He's also afraid because he's poor, tried his hand at thievery, got caught, and is now on the run. He's running away both from the people who caught him (who aren't that bothered about catching him), and the very powerful crime family that saw him try to steal (and they're definitely bothered about catching him, because he's making them look bad).

The only person protecting him is my MC, a fair-to-middling warrior-type, who thinks that he's disgusting because she's upper-class ... and he's definitely not. But she needs his help, because their quest will take them into the terrain he knows well, and she doesn't. (Mwa ha ha).

Just to clarify: she's not an Upper-Class Twit with her nose in the air, but she doesn't particularly like this guy. On the other hand, he doesn't like her right back, so that makes them even. And as they start their voyage, it's clear that his knowledge is useful, so my MC starts having second thoughts. Maybe he's not so bad after all. Maybe I was too harsh on him. Maybe it could be the start of her "redemption" arc. (Don't worry, there's a long way to go yet!)

So, what do you think? How can I make this guy "sound" nervous and/or scared?

One other thing I should note: he's not book-smart, but more "wilds-savvy" (like street-savvy, but he knows more about the wilds and the great outdoors). I thought I could bring that forward with bad grammar or contractions (like "ain't" and so on), but I'm not sure how to write characters like this. Any ideas?

Thanks so much for your help!

 

[Banespawn]

My advice is to not write him one way all the time.

People are complex. They react in different ways in different situations. Making him always afraid is going to make the reader hate him pretty quick. While he might be afraid of getting caught by the crime family, that shouldn't be something that dominates his thoughts, actions and words at every turn. The same goes for the zombies. If he's always afraid, then you've got nowhere to go with him when things get truly scary.

As far as showing him being afraid, don't rely on just his speech. Use his body language. Use his actions. Use his thoughts if you're writing from his perspective. You may sometimes want to contrast those things. Maybe he talks tough but the sweat on his brow and the way his eyes shift around the room tell a different story. Maybe he acts tough, but his voice quavers. Maybe he outwardly appears to be strong, but inside his head, he's filled with doubts.

Show other sides to him besides his fear. Maybe he wants to be a bard, and music is something that soothes his soul. Maybe he lost someone to the zombies, so beneath his fear of them, there is a simmering anger, a desire to revenge.

Go deeper into who he is as a person and let that person shine through.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

Hmm. He's a supporting character, not a main one, so I can't give him internals (i.e. go into his head or his thoughts).

I'm also pretty familiar with body language (e.g. the sweat on a person's brow, the chattering of teeth, sweaty palms etc.) ... but writing the dialogue of a person that's scared is what I'm struggling with, so that's why I'm asking for help with it.

Also, I'm not writing him the same way all the time. He's familiar with boats, so in my last chapter, this guy takes the MC down a river in a canoe, and he becomes much more confident, which is natural. They also come across a rock that someone carved rude words on, and he points them out and laughs. (Hey, he's a teenage boy -- of course he does). But for the most part (e.g. during the lead up to a battle scene), he's afraid -- which is probably natural too, right? That's why I'm asking how to portray someone who's scared.

 

[Banespawn]

but writing the dialogue of a person that's scared is what I'm struggling with, so that's why I'm asking for help with it.

I'd focus more on what he says than how he says it. Maybe he doesn't speak up out of fear. Or maybe he makes suggestions that he thinks will keep them away from danger. Maybe he lies to her to get her to choose the safer option.