Question: how to make a character "sound" scared?

[Rath Darkblade]

So ... I'd like to make one of my supporting characters "sound" permanently nervous and/or scared. (I don't mean body language, but I mean through his speech).

The story-world I'm writing has a proto-zombie invasion, but these zombies are just as smart, quick and strong as humans -- and they have one or two extra powers. (I'm rootin' for the zombies). So, naturally, my character would be afraid of them.

He's also afraid because he's poor, tried his hand at thievery, got caught, and is now on the run. He's running away both from the people who caught him (who aren't that bothered about catching him), and the very powerful crime family that saw him try to steal (and they're definitely bothered about catching him, because he's making them look bad).

The only person protecting him is my MC, a fair-to-middling warrior-type, who thinks that he's disgusting because she's upper-class ... and he's definitely not. But she needs his help, because their quest will take them into the terrain he knows well, and she doesn't. (Mwa ha ha).

Just to clarify: she's not an Upper-Class Twit with her nose in the air, but she doesn't particularly like this guy. On the other hand, he doesn't like her right back, so that makes them even. And as they start their voyage, it's clear that his knowledge is useful, so my MC starts having second thoughts. Maybe he's not so bad after all. Maybe I was too harsh on him. Maybe it could be the start of her "redemption" arc. (Don't worry, there's a long way to go yet!)

So, what do you think? How can I make this guy "sound" nervous and/or scared?

One other thing I should note: he's not book-smart, but more "wilds-savvy" (like street-savvy, but he knows more about the wilds and the great outdoors). I thought I could bring that forward with bad grammar or contractions (like "ain't" and so on), but I'm not sure how to write characters like this. Any ideas?

Thanks so much for your help!

 

[Banespawn]

My advice is to not write him one way all the time.

People are complex. They react in different ways in different situations. Making him always afraid is going to make the reader hate him pretty quick. While he might be afraid of getting caught by the crime family, that shouldn't be something that dominates his thoughts, actions and words at every turn. The same goes for the zombies. If he's always afraid, then you've got nowhere to go with him when things get truly scary.

As far as showing him being afraid, don't rely on just his speech. Use his body language. Use his actions. Use his thoughts if you're writing from his perspective. You may sometimes want to contrast those things. Maybe he talks tough but the sweat on his brow and the way his eyes shift around the room tell a different story. Maybe he acts tough, but his voice quavers. Maybe he outwardly appears to be strong, but inside his head, he's filled with doubts.

Show other sides to him besides his fear. Maybe he wants to be a bard, and music is something that soothes his soul. Maybe he lost someone to the zombies, so beneath his fear of them, there is a simmering anger, a desire to revenge.

Go deeper into who he is as a person and let that person shine through.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

Hmm. He's a supporting character, not a main one, so I can't give him internals (i.e. go into his head or his thoughts).

I'm also pretty familiar with body language (e.g. the sweat on a person's brow, the chattering of teeth, sweaty palms etc.) ... but writing the dialogue of a person that's scared is what I'm struggling with, so that's why I'm asking for help with it.

Also, I'm not writing him the same way all the time. He's familiar with boats, so in my last chapter, this guy takes the MC down a river in a canoe, and he becomes much more confident, which is natural. They also come across a rock that someone carved rude words on, and he points them out and laughs. (Hey, he's a teenage boy -- of course he does). But for the most part (e.g. during the lead up to a battle scene), he's afraid -- which is probably natural too, right? That's why I'm asking how to portray someone who's scared.

 

[Banespawn]

but writing the dialogue of a person that's scared is what I'm struggling with, so that's why I'm asking for help with it.

I'd focus more on what he says than how he says it. Maybe he doesn't speak up out of fear. Or maybe he makes suggestions that he thinks will keep them away from danger. Maybe he lies to her to get her to choose the safer option.

 

[Catrin Lewis]

You can give him a pathetic bravado at times, like he's trying to put up a stout front but failing miserably at it.

And/or have him change the subject when the zombies or anything else truly frightening are brought up.

 

[Dogberry's Watch]

How do you speak when you're scared? For me, I tend to rapid fire words that may or may not go together. Sometimes, if I'm *really* scared, I won't say anything, but I'll notice just about everything.

You said something about not doing internals, but I'd suggest maybe giving this character a bit of internal dialogue. If he's on the run, let us "hear" his thoughts as he finds every escape route everywhere he is. In a personal library? What floor are they on and can he use a window? Can he hide in the books? And so on.

It doesn't have to be a whole thing that turns him into a main character, but I think giving us a look inside his head might also generate reader connection to the character, especially if your main character doesn't have the same knowledge the reader does by getting that look. It can add tension, and so on.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

You can give him a pathetic bravado at times, like he's trying to put up a stout front but failing miserably at it.

And/or have him change the subject when the zombies or anything else truly frightening are brought up.

Both good ideas. Thank you.

I have a feeling I may have forgotten his fear in the last chapter, because he and my MC try to ambush a zombie (because he's roasting a rabbit, and they're both very hungry). However, while my MC charges the zombie head-on, the secondary character disappears ... and then reappears at the right moment to backstab the enemy, get his attention, and then defeat it with fire. (Fire is the only way to defeat them permanently).

If he was truly afraid of zombies, he wouldn't do this. I'm guessing that his fear of being alone in the wilds (plus his hunger) overcame his fear of zombies. *thinks* Maybe after the zombie is dead, and after the supporting character helps bandage the MC, he could go into shock (e.g. the shock that people get after doing something incredibly-brave-but-stupid, and start pointing and gibbering in the vein of "Did I really do that?")

How do you speak when you're scared? For me, I tend to rapid fire words that may or may not go together. Sometimes, if I'm *really* scared, I won't say anything, but I'll notice just about everything.

You said something about not doing internals, but I'd suggest maybe giving this character a bit of internal dialogue. If he's on the run, let us "hear" his thoughts as he finds every escape route everywhere he is. In a personal library? What floor are they on and can he use a window? Can he hide in the books? And so on.

It doesn't have to be a whole thing that turns him into a main character, but I think giving us a look inside his head might also generate reader connection to the character, especially if your main character doesn't have the same knowledge the reader does by getting that look. It can add tension, and so on.

Yes - I'm writing from the MC's POV (and she's female), so if I give him internals, that's cheating because she can't be aware of them. After all, it's impossible to know what anyone else is thinking. (Not precisely; of course body language exists and it's possible to read it, but reading minds is impossible).

 

[Louanne Learning]

One idea is to have him repeat everything twice, indicating anxiety.

"Did you see it? Did you see it?" he asked, in a rush.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

Great idea! Thank you, Louanne. Also possible to have his voice cracking, or shallow and constant breaths coupled with swallowing, to highlight the anxiety.

"Was that a-- was that a--" he swallowed hard, his voice cracking and fading to a whisper. "Zombie?"

"Yes." Alfhild fussed with her chainmail sleeve, trying to tear a strip of cloth beneath and stanch the bleeding in her arm.

"And I-- killed it?"

"'Kill' is such a difficult word," Alfhild said. "How do you kill someone who's already dead? Let's say you ... disabled it. You gonna help me with this or not?"

Now I'm getting a sense of how this could flow. Thanks!

 

[Whipsy]

So ... I'd like to make one of my supporting characters "sound" permanently nervous and/or scared. (I don't mean body language, but I mean through his speech).

The story-world I'm writing has a proto-zombie invasion, but these zombies are just as smart, quick and strong as humans -- and they have one or two extra powers. (I'm rootin' for the zombies). So, naturally, my character would be afraid of them.

He's also afraid because he's poor, tried his hand at thievery, got caught, and is now on the run. He's running away both from the people who caught him (who aren't that bothered about catching him), and the very powerful crime family that saw him try to steal (and they're definitely bothered about catching him, because he's making them look bad).

The only person protecting him is my MC, a fair-to-middling warrior-type, who thinks that he's disgusting because she's upper-class ... and he's definitely not. But she needs his help, because their quest will take them into the terrain he knows well, and she doesn't. (Mwa ha ha).

Just to clarify: she's not an Upper-Class Twit with her nose in the air, but she doesn't particularly like this guy. On the other hand, he doesn't like her right back, so that makes them even. And as they start their voyage, it's clear that his knowledge is useful, so my MC starts having second thoughts. Maybe he's not so bad after all. Maybe I was too harsh on him. Maybe it could be the start of her "redemption" arc. (Don't worry, there's a long way to go yet!)

So, what do you think? How can I make this guy "sound" nervous and/or scared?

One other thing I should note: he's not book-smart, but more "wilds-savvy" (like street-savvy, but he knows more about the wilds and the great outdoors). I thought I could bring that forward with bad grammar or contractions (like "ain't" and so on), but I'm not sure how to write characters like this. Any ideas?

Thanks so much for your help!

This is such an interesting writing exercise in general, particularly because you’re writing it through the MC’s perspective and that means you’ve got to really get creative about it.

So, since you said you’re happy with describing the physical indications of fear/stress response, here are other things I typically think about when writing fear:-

Behaviour - beyond just physical symptoms, fear is characterised by avoidance and retreat (for reference, I work in animal behaviour and fear is a big topic there!). For humans, this generally looks like hesitation, indecision, and becoming deferential. Maybe your character makes excuses to avoid certain situations, or comes up with reasons for he (and his companions) to leave when he senses impending threat. Perhaps he leans on distinct routines and little “rituals” when he starts to experience threat that bring him comfort (these could be sensory cues like rubbing a certain material, repeat phrases, chewing, etc. - think self stimulation). Does he leans into false bravado or misplaced humour to offset that fear? Does he overcompensate with reckless aggression, or show irritability?

Social - humans are naturally social creatures, and it’s fascinating how they behave with each other when placed under external pressures. Does he gravitate towards someone he trusts, like he’s seeking protection? Does he become overly sensitised to his surroundings (flinching, jumping, being overwhelmed by previously tolerable stimuli)? Does he withdraw, freeze, or start contradicting himself as if confused?

And since we’re experiencing this through your protagonist - how does she feel about fear in general? Does she perceive it as ridiculous, weak, intolerable? Is she compassionate, and maybe empathises or at least sympathises with what he’s going through? How perceptive is she, in general, to the needs of others? Would she notice subtle shifts, like the dilation of someone’s pupils, the change in heart/breath rate, the twitchiness of their movements? Or would she categorise things more broadly, see him as being more of an irritant, or childish/inept?

Those are some of my thoughts about it, anyway