Share your first three sentences

[Banespawn]

Project the first (fantasy novel, this begins a sort of two-page prologue):

She dribbled boundless over the lip of her shell and dropped, oil-like, to the cool basalt below.
The moment she hit the stone she curled into a tight ball, cringing in the sunlight. For months it had baked the walls of her birth-shell but now it touched her back directly, searing her moist grey flesh and prickling the red-tipped bumps along her spine.


Project two (another fantasy novel, of course - chapter one):

Beads of firelight slid along the blade as she turned it in her hands. The heavy wood axe's handle was carved from a single block of alder, smoothed into the shape of a human femur; the bonfire crackled as Adrathina ran her thumb across the runes impressed upon the grip, as though examining the four glyphs for the thousandth time would help her to discern their meaning. A mess of brown hair swung into her eyes as she raised her head, breathing in the smoke of the campfire.

I don't get enough story from either to suggest that one might be a better option to pursue than the other. The first is clearly a non-human, so there's some intrigue there, though the opening line is a little odd because of it.

For some reason I haven't been able to fathom in all the years I've been writing, many writers seem to have an aversion to naming characters when they are first introduced. I think doing so might help with both examples. In the first, using "she" immediately has me thinking this a human, but everything that follows does not. If you instead refer to her by name, and that name is something that would be very strange for a human, I think it will work better.

In the second example, it again refers to "she" at the start. We get her name in the next sentence, but if you think it about it, it's entirely possible that these are two different people. Pronouns rely on first establishing who they refer to. Unless there's a reason the character's name isn't known, just give it to us from the beginning.

Overall, I'd say the first is better than the second. I'd cut the word "boundless" in the first. I think it's muddling the description. In the second one, I don't think of fire in terms of beads. Blade makes me think of a sword or knife, not an axe.

 

[Homer Potvin]

I'd take the purple down by a factor of three for both. It's like you're forcing words and images together to affect certain images, but all I see are words and phrases that don't belong together.

 

[Username: required]

From the "Black Edicts":
"I am alone in this world. If there are Gods, they are all gone. If there are survivors, I have met none, and I'm afraid I never will."

 

[Donnie]

Short story I've been working on. Kind of urban mystical noir. Would, you read the next sentence? Does it have that noir feel to it?
All comments will be taken into consideration. Thanks

A cheap painting of dying flowers hung on the wall of this dirty restaurant, I had
a oilly cup of tea in my hand.
The only clean thing here was the chair I was sitting on, and the table knife the waiter inexplicably brought me to stir my tea with, of course he placed on the sticky table top instead of the napkin.
She said to meet here, haven't seen her in years, this was not the type of place she'd normally frequent , maybe that was the point, we didn't part on the best of terms.

 

[Rzero]

From the very rough first draft intro to what will likely be my next novel, Oleg Topol vs. Space:

Approximately eight hours before alien poachers abducted Oleg Topol from a CVS parking lot in Lubbock, Texas, Nicholas Cage bit off the tip of Oleg’s right index finger.

The ferret, named for the acclaimed Earth actor, was chronically hostile for no reason Oleg could discern. He was well-fed, his environment was clean, and he had a plethora of toys to chew on or to masturbate with as the mood struck him.

I have campaigned for years to turn this into the "First Five Sentences" thread, but alas, you won't get to hear about the chewable ferret anti-depressants and other things in the next two lines.

 

[Louanne Learning]

A cheap painting of dying flowers hung on the wall of this dirty restaurant, I had
a oilly cup of tea in my hand.
The only clean thing here was the chair I was sitting on, and the table knife the waiter inexplicably brought me to stir my tea with, of course he placed on the sticky table top instead of the napkin.
She said to meet here, haven't seen her in years, this was not the type of place she'd normally frequent , maybe that was the point, we didn't part on the best of terms.

You begin with something I find hard to believe - that anyone would hand a painting of dying flowers - so I begin with skepticsm

Also, there is a proliferation of comma splices - commas used where periods to end the sentence would be more grammatically correct.

 

[Louanne Learning]

Approximately eight hours before alien poachers abducted Oleg Topol from a CVS parking lot in Lubbock, Texas, Nicholas Cage bit off the tip of Oleg’s right index finger.

The ferret, named for the acclaimed Earth actor, was chronically hostile for no reason Oleg could discern. He was well-fed, his environment was clean, and he had a plethora of toys to chew on or to masturbate with as the mood struck him.

This very much catches my attention and I for sure would read on.

I hope you don't mind if I suggest a structure change -

Approximately eight hours before alien poachers abducted Oleg Topol from a CVS parking lot in Lubbock, Texas, Nicholas Cage, the ferret, bit off the tip of Oleg’s right index finger.

Nicholas Cage, the ferret, was chronically hostile for no reason Oleg could discern. He was well-fed, his environment was clean, and he had a plethora of toys to chew on or to masturbate with, as the mood struck him.

 

[Donnie]

You begin with something I find hard to believe - that anyone would hand a painting of dying flowers - so I begin with skepticsm

Also, there is a proliferation of comma splices - commas used where periods to end the sentence would be more grammatically correct.

Thanks you are quite correct. He does not think or talk grammatically. Is that to much to fast. Maybe I should ease the reader into it. Or maybe do away most of the commas. If
He is not thinking grammatically why should I bother with them. Thanks

 

[Rzero]

This very much catches my attention and I for sure would read on.

I hope you don't mind if I suggest a structure change -

Approximately eight hours before alien poachers abducted Oleg Topol from a CVS parking lot in Lubbock, Texas, Nicholas Cage, the ferret, bit off the tip of Oleg’s right index finger.

Nicholas Cage, the ferret, was chronically hostile for no reason Oleg could discern. He was well-fed, his environment was clean, and he had a plethora of toys to chew on or to masturbate with, as the mood struck him.

I appreciate the suggestions. I'll think about it. Half the point of the opening, though, is the silly but shocking idea of Nicholas Cage biting off the tip of someone's finger. I want that to hit, even if he's revealed to be a ferret seconds later. I'm absolutely sure that even the real Nicholas Cage would find that funny.

 

[Donnie]

You begin with something I find hard to believe - that anyone would hand a painting of dying flowers - so I begin with skepticsm

Also, there is a proliferation of comma splices - commas used where periods to end the sentence would be more grammatically correct.

I've seen paintings of dying flowers, they can be quite beautiful. Thank again for reading it .

 

[Homer Potvin]

He does not think or talk grammatically. Is that to much to fast. Maybe I should ease the reader into it. Or maybe do away most of the commas. If
He is not thinking grammatically why should I bother with them. Thanks

I would try something else, like ellipses or maybe just fragments. The commas just look like bad grammar... probably because they're involved in the most common grammar mistakes in real life.