Share your first three sentences

[Banespawn]

When he was a boy on his family’s farm, his father would often tell him that there were only two types of people that left home: those with brains, or those who were running.

You want to match these things up so that they sound similar. Something like:

...those running toward something and those running from something.

Also, if you are going to lead with this idea, then it should be a fundamental question Johnny is asking himself. It could be that he is both. Maybe that's part of what he will discover over the course of the story.

He doesn't have to be running from something bad, per se. Maybe he's telling himself that he is running toward his dreams, but deep in his heart, he's also running from the idea of getting stuck in small town USA for the rest of his life, like his father did. Maybe by the end of the story, he realizes small town life isn't so bad. That's basically the plot of Doc Hollywood.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

Fellow Brit?

Not by birth, but I spent over 15 years reading about British history, geography, dialects, food, social mores ... and visited the UK too.

I found it quite amusing with the opener but I agree with the comment above in that it can read a stretch.

I view the 1st line of any story as crucial in grabbing a readers attention and in this instance, if we cut out all the titles and names, the only real piece of information is that Cuthbert was furious.

Because this could have been the intro the fact that it was a deliberate and long winded stab towards gentle humour (that is my take from the style so far) I actually don't think you went far enough to emphasize this point thus I would actually push your voice and style even further.

As a suggestion;

So... The Honorable Mr. Cuthbert Hrolfsson, MP for Southwark Southwest constituency, and Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court, and husband to Mary Hrolfsson, a counsellor for the Southwark council, and wife of two annoying twenty something brats who should have a job but instead sit on their backsides of our five bedroom Victorian house enjoying free rent, free food and free electricity, was furious.

I might even throw in a few BA (Hons) degrees and Masters in there for fun! I would go all out!

Glad you liked it! And I found your suggestion very funny. But I'm hesitant to use it, only because if I let it go on for too long, it would become something that Sir Humphrey might say.

Since it's the Victorian age (1880-something?) his wife would probably not be a counsellor and his kids probably would be spongers (or else in the Victorian Army, off to get themselves killed in Zululand or Rhodesia etc... as South Africa used to be called).

Thanks for the suggestion ... I'll think about it and spin it off.

 

[Naomasa298]

The clear morning sunlight shone over the bay and reflected off the shimmering surface of the ocean onto white chalk cliffs, sparkling across the verdant landscape. It was beautiful—and it meant nothing to me.

How long had it been since I’d come to Devon?

(yeah, the first sentence is too long and a bit overwritten)

 

[Rath Darkblade]

Overwritten? Perhaps, but I still like it. It's not too much purply-prose etc... I sometimes start a story in a similar fashion, to set the scene -- I even devote the entire first paragraph to it, not just the first sentence.

As a (budding) author, I think that the more you describe the landscape, the more you draw your readers into the story-world.

As a reader, I've never been to Devon, so it's good to know a little of what it looks like.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Naomasa298]

As a reader, I've never been to Devon, so it's good to know a little of what it looks like.

Nor have I...

 

[Louanne Learning]

yeah, the first sentence is too long and a bit overwritten)

The clear morning sunlight shone over the bay and reflected off the shimmering surface of the ocean. Its sparkling beauty on the white chalk cliffs and verdant landscape meant nothing to me.

 

[Rigor Mortis]

Zululand or Rhodesia etc... as South Africa used to be called).

Not wanting to be that guy...
Zululand seems to correspond with Natal in South Africa, which I looked up. Rhodesia, though, I recalled, corresponded to what is now Zambia and Zimbabwe. Two of my father's brothers, missionary priests, had to leave in a hurry back in the day, apparently in an aircraft under fire as it left the airfield.

 

[Louanne Learning]

The Hon. Cuthbert Hrolfsson, MP for Southwark Southwest, Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court, was furious. This was not only because his legal secretary had filed his cases by people’s first names instead of surnames – again – or because his head ached in the unseasonably hot London weather, or even because his own Clerk of Court could not spell his name properly. That clerk be damned, by Beelzebub’s Burning Brands! I know he took an oath to Queen Victoria, but a clerk should know how to spell.

I would just rearrange it a bit to catch the reader's attention a little quicker.

The Hon. Cuthbert Hrolfsson was furious. His legal secretary had filed his cases by first names instead of surnames. On top of that, his head ached in the unseasonably hot London weather. His own clerk could not spell his name—the MP for Southwark Southwest, Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court—properly. That clerk be damned, by Beelzebub’s Burning Brands! I know he took an oath to Queen Victoria, but a clerk should know how to spell.

 

[Naja Noir]

The clear morning sunlight shone over the bay and reflected off the shimmering surface of the ocean onto white chalk cliffs, sparkling across the verdant landscape. It was beautiful—and it meant nothing to me.

How long had it been since I’d come to Devon?

(yeah, the first sentence is too long and a bit overwritten)

I do like pretty writing. Don't change it too much, but if you want to chop a word off that first sentence then you could get rid of "clear." I don't think the word is necessary, as the context has me envisioning clear morning sunlight anyhow.

 

[Banespawn]

The clear morning sunlight shone over the bay and reflected off the shimmering surface of the ocean onto white chalk cliffs, sparkling across the verdant landscape

That's a lot to take in. Bay, ocean, cliffs and verdant landscape. What is his vantage point?

 

[Naja Noir]

I suppose it's my turn to share. This is from something I thought about giving up on, but I really like my characters so I might get back to it. Needs work though, a lot. I'm pretty partial to that first sentence and unlikely to change it, but the next two not as much, just not quite right in my mind.


Near the end of Mechsong Vale, where the scampering of life met the song of the broken, lies the entrance to the maze. It had been built with disorderly pipes and decaying gadgets following the specifications of the Tall One, who coincidentally had not been seen since its completion. Before he vanished however, he gathered the townsfolk around him and told them about his world.

 

[DLC]

The Hon. Cuthbert Hrolfsson, MP for Southwark Southwest, Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court, was furious. This was not only because his legal secretary had filed his cases by people’s first names instead of surnames – again – or because his head ached in the unseasonably hot London weather, or even because his own Clerk of Court could not spell his name properly. That clerk be damned, by Beelzebub’s Burning Brands! I know he took an oath to Queen Victoria, but a clerk should know how to spell.

My problem with it is the man's an M.P. and also a judge, which doesn't really compute given the chosen time and place wouldn't allow it due to having a Westminster system of government, and just as there's a separation between church and state, there's also a separation when it comes to making laws and upholding them. You can see the problem now? As a judge he must be seen to be impartial, and as an M.P. he's not exactly going to be that.

But if you're sticking with it cause it's fantasy land, just lose the 'Southwark Southwest', and segue in what his electorate is later on.

I liked where it's going anyway.

 

[Louanne Learning]

Near the end of Mechsong Vale, where the scampering of life met the song of the broken, lies the entrance to the maze. It had been built with disorderly pipes and decaying gadgets following the specifications of the Tall One, who coincidentally had not been seen since its completion. Before he vanished however, he gathered the townsfolk around him and told them about his world.

I love this! i can't think of any changes to make to it.

 

[DLC]

Near the end of Mechsong Vale, where the scampering of life met the song of the broken, lies the entrance to the maze. It had been built with disorderly pipes and decaying gadgets following the specifications of the Tall One, who coincidentally had not been seen since its completion. Before he vanished however, he gathered the townsfolk around him and told them about his world.

That's nice, works as it is. 'Near the end' could have meant 'before it all fell to ruin' rather than the edge of the woods, which it obviously means. Could be both, so maybe you're clever, we don't know what comes next. 'Gadgets' could be a little more specific, to me it's like saying 'somehow' or 'something', which we all try to avoid because it's lazy. But it's kinda borderline here, and that's just me. It's very good and I do like it.

 

[Naomasa298]

That's a lot to take in. Bay, ocean, cliffs and verdant landscape. What is his vantage point?

He's at the top of a cliff overlooking the bay.

The lines come from a stalled WIP that I'll get round to finishing one of these days, and I'll fix any issues I think need resolving once it goes into the edit phase, if I ever get there.

 

[Mr Mononoke]

The clear morning sunlight shone over the bay and reflected off the shimmering surface of the ocean onto white chalk cliffs, sparkling across the verdant landscape. It was beautiful—and it meant nothing to me.

How long had it been since I’d come to Devon?

(yeah, the first sentence is too long and a bit overwritten)

I really like this. Personally, I would not use sunlight because it gives me the impression that it is a beam of light through a window (? hope that makes sense) when this a grand panoramic view of the bay and the ocean, so I would use sun. Because sun is only one syllable it doesn't 'overload' the description with clear... which I think is a lovely touch because I now see a cloudless sky. I do like the sight of the land sparkling and for that I would heighten that view by giving it an own line so that stays with a reader and then your brilliant lines of beautiful and nothing to me provides a good hit to the reader.

The clear morning sun shone over the bay and reflected off the shimmering ocean onto the white chalk cliffs. The verdant landscape sparkled. Insert something else here. It was beautiful- and meant nothing to me.

I would add a little breeze and the image of fluttering grass on this land to extend this picture perfect scene to enhance the 'it was beautiful' and the reader has a pretty full view.

Repeating, but like this a lot.

 

[Mr Mononoke]

Near the end of Mechsong Vale, where the scampering of life met the song of the broken, lies the entrance to the maze. It had been built with disorderly pipes and decaying gadgets following the specifications of the Tall One, who coincidentally had not been seen since its completion. Before he vanished however, he gathered the townsfolk around him and told them about his world.

Love this.

I am always very skeptical about suggesting any changes because you have a beautiful style that draws a reader in.

This intro is wonderful, it tells me everything about the style of the writer, the subtle hints of this different world and there is a consideration in detail, through its constructions, which is becalming.

A writer once wrote to me that when a reader steps into an alien world, it is difficult to create a closeness and trust with the writer, but when writing is done with attention and care, the reader can feel guided and a bond of trust is created and they 'feel' that the writer will not lead them astray.

This is very much like they have said.

I have highlighted two things as mere suggestions. The first is 'the' before maze. Usually, since the reader has not come across this maze, 'a' is more appropriate since it is not mentioned, but this maze seems like a special one, famous... hence the use of 'the' works well, but I would italic it so this doesn't confuse the reader that 'the maze' has been mentioned before or is known, which is not in the case of the reader.

The next I hate to suggest, but I feel 'coincidentally' is alluding to something that else has happened and/or prevented the Tall One from returning. Maybe this is the case, but the reader does not know what the other thing is, thus I would omit on that basis.


Near the end of Mechsong Vale, where the scampering of life met the song of the broken, lies the entrance to the maze. It had been built with disorderly pipes and decaying gadgets following the specifications of the Tall One, who had not been seen since its completion. Before he vanished however, he gathered the townsfolk around him and told them about his world.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

Not wanting to be that guy...
Zululand seems to correspond with Natal in South Africa, which I looked up. Rhodesia, though, I recalled, corresponded to what is now Zambia and Zimbabwe. Two of my father's brothers, missionary priests, had to leave in a hurry back in the day, apparently in an aircraft under fire as it left the airfield.

Thank you for correcting me. In my defense, I can only plead being in a hurry, since I had to log off and go to work ...

I suppose it's my turn to share. This is from something I thought about giving up on, but I really like my characters so I might get back to it. Needs work though, a lot. I'm pretty partial to that first sentence and unlikely to change it, but the next two not as much, just not quite right in my mind.


Near the end of Mechsong Vale, where the scampering of life met the song of the broken, lies the entrance to the maze. It had been built with disorderly pipes and decaying gadgets following the specifications of the Tall One, who coincidentally had not been seen since its completion. Before he vanished however, he gathered the townsfolk around him and told them about his world.

Mr Mononoke's comments are all spot on. *nod* I can only think of one more minor edit to consider:

- Add a comma before the 'however', so it reads: "Before he vanished, however, he gathered the townsfolk around him and told them about his world."

Why? Because it breaks up the sentence into the way that it would be read. You're going to have a short pause before the word "however", so put a comma there.

The rest - to me, at least - is mysterious and mystical, and definitely piques my interest. I would be interested to learn more. I'm not exactly sure what genre this is - high fantasy, perhaps? - but yes, I'd be interested to know more.

Thanks for sharing!