Share your first three sentences

[Set2Stun]

I see no one’s posted here for a while so I hope a resurrection is not against some rule I overlooked.

Don't gotta worry about such nonsense here, everyone's chill. No one's going to scream at you or ban you for "necroing" a thread, a month old or years old

 

[Louanne Learning]

I realise “ocean” and “pool” could be confusing,

Yes, it is somewhat confusing, and I don't think you want to begin by confusing your reader, bur rather by giving them a clear image of the opening scene. You needn't overload the sentence, just restructure them a bit. Note - in the first sentence - I gave each noun one adjective instead of giving them both to one noun.

Also, you might give a little insight into her feelings as she contemplated diving in. Was she excited? Scared? determined?

Vhairi stood naked before the glowing, rippling pool of water, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. Her biohazard suit lay crumpled on the ground behind her, along with her discarded overalls. If I do this, she thought, I’ll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

Vhairi stook naked before a rippling pool of glowing water, in a cavern off the ocean. Light danced across her thighs. Her biohazard suit and overalls lay crumpled on the ground (was it ground? or sand? or rock?). The notion of becoming the first person to swim in alien waters tickled her pink (or whatever it did to her).

 

[Tallyfire]

This is from a fantasy story I wrote.

First of all, my name’s Ailsa McGinley. I’m a fae with an anger management problem. Aye, you heard right.

Looks like we both posted beginning with Scottish characters. Mine is too, although it’s not as immediately obvious!

I like it. I would want to read farther. However, I’ve been reading a lot of novels about fae recently so I’m wondering why the fae has a mortal name, and why an anger management problem for a fae would be unusual (since they tend to be by nature unpredictable). That confusion might feed into your setting or it might not.

 

[Tallyfire]

Also, you might give a little insight into her feelings as she contemplated diving in. Was she excited? Scared? determined?

Vhairi stook naked before a rippling pool of glowing water, in a cavern off the ocean. Light danced across her thighs. Her biohazard suit and overalls lay crumpled on the ground (was it ground? or sand? or rock?). The notion of becoming the first person to swim in alien waters tickled her pink (or whatever it did to her).

Thanks for the suggestion, especially for the first sentence. I have something of an aversion to adjectives so putting them together seemed the milder option. I felt I needed both to explain the light.

Why would you suggest changing the second sentence? I like that she’s kind of entranced looking at the “dance of light”, but maybe it reads oddly.

 

[DLC]

maybe it reads oddly.

I like it. Less is more.

 

[Louanne Learning]

I have something of an aversion to adjectives so putting them together seemed the milder option. I felt I needed both to explain the light.

I guess it is just a personal preference. You can certainly put them together, but I prefer not to have two adjectives to one noun if I can help it.

Why would you suggest changing the second sentence? I like that she’s kind of entranced looking at the “dance of light”, but maybe it reads oddly.

Well, I was thinking if it was from her POV, she must be looking at it in order to see it. And standing at the edge of the pool, was she more entranced by the light playing on her thighs or the anticipation of being the first into the alien ocean?

But I understand what you're saying. Maybe something like this:

The play of light dancing across her thighs fascinated her.

 

[Seven Crowns]

I see no one’s posted here for a while so I hope a resurrection is not against some rule I overlooked. I saw the idea mentioned in the suggestions post and thought it sounded cool.

Here’s the beginning of a short story. (I realise “ocean” and “pool” could be confusing, but she’s standing in a cavern leading off from the ocean and I didn’t want to overload the first sentence with all that.)

————

Vhairi stood naked before the glowing, rippling pool of water, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. Her biohazard suit lay crumpled on the ground behind her, along with her discarded overalls. If I do this, she thought, I’ll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

I like it. It's evocative. I'd sort it like so . . .

• Clothes discarded, done actively, not as a description
• Move quickly to the character, which you've naturally done
• Move to the setting to explain that the pool is near the ocean
• End on her thought.

Vhairi let her biohazard suit crumple to the ground. Her overalls followed. She stood naked before a glowing, rippling pool, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. *

If I do this, she thought, I'll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

At the * I would move to setting. I'd sweep from the pool, to the sand, to small creatures skittering in from the beach, to the very strange ocean (something about it should be ominous), and then maybe dwell on the setting suns or a rising nebula or some sort of celestial possibility that makes this all alien.

 

[Tallyfire]

Well, I was thinking if it was from her POV, she must be looking at it in order to see it. And standing at the edge of the pool, was she more entranced by the light playing on her thighs or the anticipation of being the first into the alien ocean?

Yes, that’s a good point. I imagined her attention going back and forth between the water and her own body, stuck in limbo for the moment.

Vhairi let her biohazard suit crumple to the ground. Her overalls followed. She stood naked before a glowing, rippling pool, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. *

If I do this, she thought, I'll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

At the * I would move to setting. I'd sweep from the pool, to the sand, to small creatures skittering in from the beach, to the very strange ocean (something about it should be ominous), and then maybe dwell on the setting suns or a rising nebula or some sort of celestial possibility that makes this all alien.

Oooh, I like this arrangement. There’s a tiny bit of build-up, which is nice. I’ll add this into my draft for revision. Thanks!