Share your first three sentences

[Banespawn]

This is a very rough starting so please be gentle. Im struggling to find my conflict;

It can’t be, why is he here? Off all the places in all of the city why did he have to walk into here. Actually that’s dramatic even for me; I don’t think this situation calls for quotes of Casablanca.

I like the idea that the character would quote Casablanca, but this is pretty vague. It doesn't tell the reader anything specific, which makes it hard to picture the setting. We have no idea who "he" is, where "here" is, or what the "situation" is beyond them meeting.

It's important to set the scene, particularly at the beginning of the story. We want to establish who, what, where and when. We want to establish the genre, set the tone for the story, and hopefully introduce some conflict. This opening suggests conflict, which is good, but I think it could do a better job of setting the scene.

If it were me, and this is just a suggestion, I would use the exact quote and try to do it in a way that helps to characterize the narrator. I can imagine a private eye thinking this, but it could be someone who just likes the movie. Either way, I would try to inject a little more attitude into the writing.

I returned from powdering my nose to see Marc sitting at the end of the bar, beer in hand and talking to Jane.

Of all the gin joints, I thought, borrowing a line from Bogey. What the hell was he doing here? I'd just wanted a fun night out with the girls. One night, and he couldn't even give me that.

Maybe this doesn't fit your characters or your story, but I like to give examples because I think they help to illustrate the point.

We get a better idea of who the characters are, where they are, and what's going on between them. At the same time, the narrator's voice, and her attitude toward Marc, is more pronounced.

Whatever direction you decide to go with it, I would encourage you to be more specific with your word choices. The quicker you can set the scene, the quicker you can pull the reader into it.

 

[aside_dish]

This is a very rough starting so please be gentle. Im struggling to find my conflict;

It can’t be, why is he here? Off all the places in all of the city why did he have to walk into here. Actually that’s dramatic even for me; I don’t think this situation calls for quotes of Casablanca.

I find the punctuation to be a bit odd, specifically the semicolon and a couple places where there should be commas. But overall, not bad. I may suggest starting with your second sentence, and tweaking that a bit until it works, though.

It could still be his thought, just not tied to a characterization of the way he is looking at them. Rather, you might characterize the way they are sitting with a similar analogy.

They fidgeted in their seats like students who had failed to do their homework.

Something akin to that. Make it about them but shown through the prince's eyes.

Going back to your comment for a second, I wonder if I could work in my original analogy better later in, when the lords are all in the hallway. Something like:

In the capitol, lords roamed the halls not with grace, but with caution - like dogs that had slipped once, and now get all turned around.

 

[Trish]

In the capitol, lords roamed the halls not with grace, but with caution - like dogs that had slipped once, and now get all turned around.

I hate to say this, but I think you might have to let the dog analogy go unless you can find someone in the story with a dog and make it happen, then reference it later. As someone from Vetmed I get it, but for the vast majority of readers I don't think you'll get it to land unfortunately. Makes me sad. I thought it was funny.

 

[aside_dish]

I hate to say this, but I think you might have to let the dog analogy go unless you can find someone in the story with a dog and make it happen, then reference it later. As someone from Vetmed I get it, but for the vast majority of readers I don't think you'll get it to land unfortunately. Makes me sad. I thought it was funny.

You're probably right. But I'm determined to find a place to use it where it works on its own for people that don't get it, but it works even better for people that do, lol.

Don't know why I'm so determined to make it work. I'm just not at all good with analogies, and I randomly thought of how dogs do this the other day, and figured I may be able to compare it to lords slipping up in front of the prince, being punished just once, and changing their behavior afterwards.

 

[Trish]

You're probably right. But I'm determined to find a place to use it where it works on its own for people that don't get it, but it works even better for people that do, lol.

Don't know why I'm so determined to make it work. I'm just not at all good with analogies, and I randomly thought of how dogs do this the other day, and figured I may be able to compare it to lords slipping up in front of the prince, being punished just once, and changing their behavior afterwards.

I hope you figure it out! Vetmed folks will definitely get it at least.

 

[Banespawn]

I hate to say this, but I think you might have to let the dog analogy go unless you can find someone in the story with a dog and make it happen, then reference it later. As someone from Vetmed I get it, but for the vast majority of readers I don't think you'll get it to land unfortunately. Makes me sad. I thought it was funny.

Yeah, I'm with Trish on this. I don't think the dog analogy is really selling it.

Something else to keep in mind is the POV character. What analogy would that character use? What is their background and how can you use those comparisons to show that? A farmer is going to use different comparisons than a carpenter or a stockbroker.

 

[Rath Darkblade]

OK, I'll bite. This is the first paragraph of a historical fiction I wrote about 6 years ago, about the development of the first camera good enough to be used in crime detection and prevention.

===========

The Hon. Cuthbert Hrolfsson, MP for Southwark Southwest, Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court, was furious. This was not only because his legal secretary had filed his cases by people’s first names instead of surnames – again – or because his head ached in the unseasonably hot London weather, or even because his own Clerk of Court could not spell his name properly. That clerk be damned, by Beelzebub’s Burning Brands! I know he took an oath to Queen Victoria, but a clerk should know how to spell.
===========

I'd welcome your views. (This is 91 words out of 6,165, so it's a relatively short story. But it moves on with considerable alacrity, I promise). ​

 

[Trish]

You're probably right. But I'm determined to find a place to use it where it works on its own for people that don't get it, but it works even better for people that do, lol.

Don't know why I'm so determined to make it work. I'm just not at all good with analogies, and I randomly thought of how dogs do this the other day, and figured I may be able to compare it to lords slipping up in front of the prince, being punished just once, and changing their behavior afterwards.

I had another thought about the dog problem. Given the humor of your piece and that you're determined to make it land - perhaps you could work it in to conversation? Like some royal leaves and then the another character says "Are we dogs who walk backwards because we slipped once?"
Blank stares.
He somewhat explains, but then insults them in a backhanded way that they think is a compliment but is obviously not.

Or something. Maybe.

 

[Naja Noir]

OK, I'll bite. This is the first paragraph of a historical fiction I wrote about 6 years ago, about the development of the first camera good enough to be used in crime detection and prevention.

===========

The Hon. Cuthbert Hrolfsson, MP for Southwark Southwest, Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court, was furious. This was not only because his legal secretary had filed his cases by people’s first names instead of surnames – again – or because his head ached in the unseasonably hot London weather, or even because his own Clerk of Court could not spell his name properly. That clerk be damned, by Beelzebub’s Burning Brands! I know he took an oath to Queen Victoria, but a clerk should know how to spell.
===========

I'd welcome your views. (This is 91 words out of 6,165, so it's a relatively short story. But it moves on with considerable alacrity, I promise). ​

That first sentence is a lot to take in. It seems like you could cut out "MP-Development" and bring them up a bit later. If it's absolutely integral to announce all of those titles right then, I understand, as sometimes that is simply the case. With each one (seemingly) attached to a government position, I can see the use of Hon. but, I was confused by which term was most defining to Cuthbert. Am I reading about an Honorable judge with an extensive professional background? or a "Jack of Trades" man who happens to also be a judge?

Interesting plot though. And, I chuckled out loud on the last sentence. Anything that makes me laugh, keeps me reading. So on that alone, I would continue.

 

[aside_dish]

I had another thought about the dog problem. Given the humor of your piece and that you're determined to make it land - perhaps you could work it in to conversation? Like some royal leaves and then the another character says "Are we dogs who walk backwards because we slipped once?"
Blank stares.
He somewhat explains, but then insults them in a backhanded way that they think is a compliment but is obviously not.

Or something. Maybe.

Not a bad idea at all. Though, I think I found a way to reword it (and recontextualize it) so it makes sense sorta as-is. May eventually post it as part of a workshop submission and we'll see if anyone calls it out, lol

 

[Banespawn]

This is the opening 3 lines of something I started a little while back. I have no idea where I'll go with it, but I had the urge to write something from a non-human POV.

As I wait in the bar for my friend, I watch the humans imbibe their drinks, killing brain cells and their ability to process data. Not that they have much ability in that regard. Synthetics like me have long since surpassed them.

 

[X Equestris]

This is the opening 3 lines of something I started a little while back. I have no idea where I'll go with it, but I had the urge to write something from a non-human POV.

I found this pretty well-structured. My immediate thought on starting the first line was "What kind of nonhuman POV are we dealing with?", which is a fun question to have. Then there's a little hint with that second dependent clause: "ability to process data". The second sentence does a nice job of adding some brief characterization to the narrator, and so does the third. Plus, we get confirmation on the nature of the narrator, which is well-foreshadowed given you only had two sentences.

Consider my interest piqued. I'd definitely continue reading.

 

[Bone2pick]

This is the opening 3 lines of something I started a little while back. I have no idea where I'll go with it, but I had the urge to write something from a non-human POV.

You might consider offering more of the POV character’s commentary before revealing their exact nature (synthetic). A bit of mystery in the opening few paragraphs can help pique my interest, so long as the writing is engaging.

 

[Damage718]

I'll bite. I have a prologue that I may or may not include, so this will either be the main opening, or the start of chapter one.

There are two types of people that leave home: those with ambition, and those who are running from something.

Johnny Jennings had just turned twenty-one and although he wasn’t trying to escape anything, he felt confident, if unsure of what his future held.

A sudden jolt knocked his head against the window, rousing him.

 

[Mr Mononoke]

The Hon. Cuthbert Hrolfsson, MP for Southwark Southwest, Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court, was furious. This was not only because his legal secretary had filed his cases by people’s first names instead of surnames – again – or because his head ached in the unseasonably hot London weather, or even because his own Clerk of Court could not spell his name properly. That clerk be damned, by Beelzebub’s Burning Brands! I know he took an oath to Queen Victoria, but a clerk should know how to spell.

Fellow Brit?

I found it quite amusing with the opener but I agree with the comment above in that it can read a stretch.

I view the 1st line of any story as crucial in grabbing a readers attention and in this instance, if we cut out all the titles and names, the only real piece of information is that Cuthbert was furious.

Because this could have been the intro the fact that it was a deliberate and long winded stab towards gentle humour (that is my take from the style so far) I actually don't think you went far enough to emphasize this point thus I would actually push your voice and style even further.

As a suggestion;

So... The Honorable Mr. Cuthbert Hrolfsson, MP for Southwark Southwest constituency, and Minister for Scientific Development, and judge at his local Magistrate’s Court, and husband to Mary Hrolfsson, a counsellor for the Southwark council, and wife of two annoying twenty something brats who should have a job but instead sit on their backsides of our five bedroom Victorian house enjoying free rent, free food and free electricity, was furious.

I might even throw in a few BA (Hons) degrees and Masters in there for fun! I would go all out!

 

[Mr Mononoke]

I'll bite. I have a prologue that I may or may not include, so this will either be the main opening, or the start of chapter one.

There are two types of people that leave home: those with ambition, and those who are running from something.

Johnny Jennings had just turned twenty-one and although he wasn’t trying to escape anything, he felt confident, if unsure of what his future held.

A sudden jolt knocked his head against the window, rousing him.

Apologises if I may come across as quite forthright here, but its nearing 1am and I felt bad not to share some thoughts when I replied to another.

There are a few things jumped at me when reading and it is that the 3 sentences aren't really connected. One is a general thought which I don't mind, the second is an introduction to a character and the third jumps start into the opening scene.

We (the reader... maybe I will put I instead) I don't know if the first line is thought by Johnny. This is a 3rd person PoV so it could be the 3rd person voice so this start contains 3 different unconnected points for the story. If you put the 1st as head thought and link it to Johnny, then this is better, yet the action of someone knocking his head is so sudden and abrupt that it was jarring.

We don't know anything about Johnny or the first line or what is happening, so it forms quite a confusing and unclear beginning.

Again, I'm very sorry to not speak more positively about this intro.

You could push the 3rd sentence first and then go into describing Johnny and build his character before inserting the 1st line in to back up this this trying to escape thought. I'm not sure on the unsure and confident part either because the reader doesn't know where his confidence lies and what reservations he has. It is a nice line if we know a little more about the character (ie he is top of the class student, but has an overbearing parent who demands the best and he has already enlisted him to the top Oxford University but he is unsure because the course is not something he wants to do but something his dad wants him to do.)

A little context like this clarifies the contradiction of statements.

 

[Damage718]

Apologises if I may come across as quite forthright here, but its nearing 1am and I felt bad not to share some thoughts when I replied to another.

There are a few things jumped at me when reading and it is that the 3 sentences aren't really connected. One is a general thought which I don't mind, the second is an introduction to a character and the third jumps start into the opening scene.

We (the reader... maybe I will put I instead) I don't know if the first line is thought by Johnny. This is a 3rd person PoV so it could be the 3rd person voice so this start contains 3 different unconnected points for the story. If you put the 1st as head thought and link it to Johnny, then this is better, yet the action of someone knocking his head is so sudden and abrupt that it was jarring.

We don't know anything about Johnny or the first line or what is happening, so it forms quite a confusing and unclear beginning.

Again, I'm very sorry to not speak more positively about this intro.

You could push the 3rd sentence first and then go into describing Johnny and build his character before inserting the 1st line in to back up this this trying to escape thought. I'm not sure on the unsure and confident part either because the reader doesn't know where his confidence lies and what reservations he has. It is a nice line if we know a little more about the character (ie he is top of the class student, but has an overbearing parent who demands the best and he has already enlisted him to the top Oxford University but he is unsure because the course is not something he wants to do but something his dad wants him to do.)

A little context like this clarifies the contradiction of statements.

Well, obviously there is much more to Johnny in the next few sentences, but we're only allowed three here.

The opening sentence is random narration but it's a reference to the prologue, which isn't here, so that's why it feels confusing. Johnny jarring his head is explained in the next sentence. He was on a train, having a dream.

I can see how these three sentences don't seem connected at all, but they make sense based on the next paragraph(s.) For context here, Johnny is a baseball player and he's on board a train to his new team. He isn't running from somewhere, he's chasing a dream. Again, it seems disjointed as-is, but there is plenty of context in the prologue before, and the action after.

And as I typed this reply I think I have a better way of executing this part. Thanks for the input!

 

[Louanne Learning]

There are two types of people that leave home: those with ambition, and those who are running from something.

Johnny Jennings had just turned twenty-one and although he wasn’t trying to escape anything, he felt confident, if unsure of what his future held.

A sudden jolt knocked his head against the window, rousing him.

The first two sentences are kind of general. What is the purpose of the first? And the description of Johnny in the second might apply to most twenty-one-year-old men. Can you make it more specific to Johnny? Even better, take whatever you told the reader in the first two sentences and instead show all of this in the scenes of the story. One scene with dialogue and internal thought from Johnny's POV might do it.

 

[Damage718]

The first two sentences are kind of general. What is the purpose of the first? And the description of Johnny in the second might apply to most twenty-one-year-old men. Can you make it more specific to Johnny? Even better, take whatever you told the reader in the first two sentences and instead show all of this in the scenes of the story. One scene with dialogue and internal thought from Johnny's POV might do it.

Well, as I said before, there is a whole prologue before these that sets when and where everything happens. Without reading that, these sentences make little sense on their own. There is also context right after this that clarifies these. I know they're vague as-is. (Thats one of my drafting tics). I probably shouldn't have posted these three as they are confusing by themselves.

Also, this is all still in crappy first draft stage and you are the first people to see any of it, so it's going to be plenty screwy

But here's a reworked version that better establishes Johnny without reliance on the prologue, just for fun:

The train from Bloomington barreled westward, with its heavy chugs having lulled Johnny Jennings, alone in his cabin, to doze.

When he was a boy on his family’s farm, his father would often tell him that there were only two types of people that left home: those with brains, or those who were running.

By twenty-one, running was one of Johnny’s strengths. On the basepaths, that is.

- I plan on writing that a bit differently though, especially the first sentence. I kind of ran it on for the purpose of this exercise

 

[Louanne Learning]

The train from Bloomington barreled westward, with its heavy chugs having lulled Johnny Jennings, alone in his cabin, to doze.

When he was a boy on his family’s farm, his father would often tell him that there were only two types of people that left home: those with brains, or those who were running.

I wonder if you can continue the second sentence from the first, keeping it in scene? For better flow?


The train from Bloomington barreled westward. Its heavy chugs lulled twenty-one-year-old Johnnie Jennings, alone in his cabin, to sleep.

Memories of the family farm came to his dozing mind. "Listen son," his father had said, "there are two types of people who leave home—those with brains, and those who are running."

Running was one of Johnny's strengths—on the basepaths, that is.