Share your first three sentences

[Set2Stun]

I see no one’s posted here for a while so I hope a resurrection is not against some rule I overlooked.

Don't gotta worry about such nonsense here, everyone's chill. No one's going to scream at you or ban you for "necroing" a thread, a month old or years old

 

[Louanne Learning]

I realise “ocean” and “pool” could be confusing,

Yes, it is somewhat confusing, and I don't think you want to begin by confusing your reader, bur rather by giving them a clear image of the opening scene. You needn't overload the sentence, just restructure them a bit. Note - in the first sentence - I gave each noun one adjective instead of giving them both to one noun.

Also, you might give a little insight into her feelings as she contemplated diving in. Was she excited? Scared? determined?

Vhairi stood naked before the glowing, rippling pool of water, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. Her biohazard suit lay crumpled on the ground behind her, along with her discarded overalls. If I do this, she thought, I’ll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

Vhairi stook naked before a rippling pool of glowing water, in a cavern off the ocean. Light danced across her thighs. Her biohazard suit and overalls lay crumpled on the ground (was it ground? or sand? or rock?). The notion of becoming the first person to swim in alien waters tickled her pink (or whatever it did to her).

 

[Tallyfire]

This is from a fantasy story I wrote.

First of all, my name’s Ailsa McGinley. I’m a fae with an anger management problem. Aye, you heard right.

Looks like we both posted beginning with Scottish characters. Mine is too, although it’s not as immediately obvious!

I like it. I would want to read farther. However, I’ve been reading a lot of novels about fae recently so I’m wondering why the fae has a mortal name, and why an anger management problem for a fae would be unusual (since they tend to be by nature unpredictable). That confusion might feed into your setting or it might not.

 

[Tallyfire]

Also, you might give a little insight into her feelings as she contemplated diving in. Was she excited? Scared? determined?

Vhairi stook naked before a rippling pool of glowing water, in a cavern off the ocean. Light danced across her thighs. Her biohazard suit and overalls lay crumpled on the ground (was it ground? or sand? or rock?). The notion of becoming the first person to swim in alien waters tickled her pink (or whatever it did to her).

Thanks for the suggestion, especially for the first sentence. I have something of an aversion to adjectives so putting them together seemed the milder option. I felt I needed both to explain the light.

Why would you suggest changing the second sentence? I like that she’s kind of entranced looking at the “dance of light”, but maybe it reads oddly.

 

[DLC]

maybe it reads oddly.

I like it. Less is more.

 

[Louanne Learning]

I have something of an aversion to adjectives so putting them together seemed the milder option. I felt I needed both to explain the light.

I guess it is just a personal preference. You can certainly put them together, but I prefer not to have two adjectives to one noun if I can help it.

Why would you suggest changing the second sentence? I like that she’s kind of entranced looking at the “dance of light”, but maybe it reads oddly.

Well, I was thinking if it was from her POV, she must be looking at it in order to see it. And standing at the edge of the pool, was she more entranced by the light playing on her thighs or the anticipation of being the first into the alien ocean?

But I understand what you're saying. Maybe something like this:

The play of light dancing across her thighs fascinated her.

 

[Seven Crowns]

I see no one’s posted here for a while so I hope a resurrection is not against some rule I overlooked. I saw the idea mentioned in the suggestions post and thought it sounded cool.

Here’s the beginning of a short story. (I realise “ocean” and “pool” could be confusing, but she’s standing in a cavern leading off from the ocean and I didn’t want to overload the first sentence with all that.)

————

Vhairi stood naked before the glowing, rippling pool of water, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. Her biohazard suit lay crumpled on the ground behind her, along with her discarded overalls. If I do this, she thought, I’ll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

I like it. It's evocative. I'd sort it like so . . .

• Clothes discarded, done actively, not as a description
• Move quickly to the character, which you've naturally done
• Move to the setting to explain that the pool is near the ocean
• End on her thought.

Vhairi let her biohazard suit crumple to the ground. Her overalls followed. She stood naked before a glowing, rippling pool, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. *

If I do this, she thought, I'll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

At the * I would move to setting. I'd sweep from the pool, to the sand, to small creatures skittering in from the beach, to the very strange ocean (something about it should be ominous), and then maybe dwell on the setting suns or a rising nebula or some sort of celestial possibility that makes this all alien.

 

[Tallyfire]

Well, I was thinking if it was from her POV, she must be looking at it in order to see it. And standing at the edge of the pool, was she more entranced by the light playing on her thighs or the anticipation of being the first into the alien ocean?

Yes, that’s a good point. I imagined her attention going back and forth between the water and her own body, stuck in limbo for the moment.

Vhairi let her biohazard suit crumple to the ground. Her overalls followed. She stood naked before a glowing, rippling pool, transfixed by the dance of light across her thighs. *

If I do this, she thought, I'll be the first human to swim in an alien ocean.

At the * I would move to setting. I'd sweep from the pool, to the sand, to small creatures skittering in from the beach, to the very strange ocean (something about it should be ominous), and then maybe dwell on the setting suns or a rising nebula or some sort of celestial possibility that makes this all alien.

Oooh, I like this arrangement. There’s a tiny bit of build-up, which is nice. I’ll add this into my draft for revision. Thanks!

 

[BeastBlood1885]

Oh, this looks fun.

From my short story, "Wanderer":
The air was cold and crisp and the hilly woodland silent save for the creaking of boughs and the slow drip of thawing frost.
Upon a bed of fallen pine needles lay a twitching clump of ragged feathers, twisted and tattered. An eagle young, eager; following a clumsy flight, wounded.

(It's okay, the birb gets help. )

From another one, "The Frozen Forest":
Sullen with frost, the great lodge braved the Frozen Forest best it could - but even the mightiest crumbled at one point or another long as they remained within these haunted woods. For the Frozen Forest had terrible weight to it. A dark, looming force, felt all throughout its bleak boughs.

 

[wearywanderer64]

Looks like we both posted beginning with Scottish characters. Mine is too, although it’s not as immediately obvious!

I like it. I would want to read farther. However, I’ve been reading a lot of novels about fae recently so I’m wondering why the fae has a mortal name, and why an anger management problem for a fae would be unusual (since they tend to be by nature unpredictable). That confusion might feed into your setting or it might not.

It's set in a mythical-human world set in the Scottish Highlands. I always think of mythical creatures as having human-like personalities just like animals (or is it vice versa?)

 

[Also]

There is a school of thought that we have three sentences to grab a reader's attention. They don't necessarily need to know the ins and outs of the story, we just need need to grab 'em or they will toss the work aside and look at something else.

A school of thought, yes, but then there are readers like me who don't even look at the first page until I've leafed through reading paragraphs or larger sections at random. It's not unusual for me to look at the last page before the first. Only once I'm convinced I'll enjoy the meal do I commence with the appetizer.

Now have any members besides the mods and admins noticed that when you highlight an arbitrary patch of text, there are Quote and Reply options in the popup, so that you can quote that specific patch in reply?

No need to Reply and do a bunch of erasing text.

 

[Louanne Learning]

The air was cold and crisp and the hilly woodland silent save for the creaking of boughs and the slow drip of thawing frost.
Upon a bed of fallen pine needles lay a twitching clump of ragged feathers, twisted and tattered. An eagle young, eager; following a clumsy flight, wounded.

It's an interesting opening, my comments are mostly about word choice.

If the boughs creaked and the thawing frost dripped, then the forest wasn't silent?

A suggested structure would be - Tree boughs creaked, and the thawing frost dripped, in the cold, crisp air of the hilly woodland.

If it's a bed of needles, it's not necessary to say they have fallen - Upon a bed of fallen pine needles

I'm not sure using "a clump of ragged feathers" brings the initial right image to mind - it might be a good idea to identify the eagle when it is first mentioned - upon a bed of pine needles lay a wounded eagle...

Sullen with frost, the great lodge braved the Frozen Forest best it could - but even the mightiest crumbled at one point or another long as they remained within these haunted woods. For the Frozen Forest had terrible weight to it. A dark, looming force, felt all throughout its bleak boughs.

Again, just a couple of notes about word choice - I'm not sure a building can be sullen (which more or less means bad-tempered), nor a building brave (which implies action) a forest ... unless the building is alive? Which it could be! But then you go on to say the danger lurks in the woods

I'm not sure about the word "crumbling" - do haunted woods make one crumble?

"terrible weight" - weight of what? Maybe you can be more specific?

"A dark force felt" - again, might you be more specific? Rather than using the word "felt" what exactly did the force do?

Also - one last note. Both of these excerpts end with incomplete sentences.

I hope this helps!

 

[Pik]

There is a school of thought that we have three sentences to grab a reader's attention. They don't necessarily need to know the ins and outs of the story, we just need need to grab 'em or they will toss the work aside and look at something else.

This was a fun thread on the old forum so I thought I would try to breathe life into it here.

This isn't in the workshop so bear in mind that it might technically count as publishing, but unless you open with something like "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times", your opening may not become that iconic, but please do consider before posting; that said, there are no critique "rules", you can post your own three without offering any opinions, you can offer opinions without posting any sentences, the opinion can be as short as "yes I would read more"., but should follow our rules on good manners and decorum. It can be a work-in-progress, or simply a spitball.

I will start - this is the opening to a somewhat esoteric fantasy based around the seven deadly sins that I am enjoying writing but could do with being told whether to carry on or start again...

==============================
Roland peered into the alley where the man had disappeared. Roland wasn’t usually a curious person – that is, he was "curious" inasmuch as he was overweight, underheight, and he persistently wore yellow trousers with a black check, a tweed sports-jacket, and, even in summer, a colourful scarf – but he wasn’t curious curious. Roland was the person who was content to look in one direction whilst life happened in the other, but the vanishing man had piqued his usually dormant interest.
==============================

Would you read on?

Roland was a prolongued version of Rolandes, a name an honorable owner was expected to answer to when called upon from beyond. A certain Rolandes figure was taught everything except that he or she should not interfere with the claims set centuries before. What was there before them was more powerful, what was to happen could and should only ever be softened, hardly erased.
(Sounds abstract but here it is)