Readers Digest. When the readers are dying to tell a joke. Even if it's a Readers Digest joke.
Applesauce. The new Apple iProduct! Now 30% SAUCIER, SPICIER, and NAUGHTIER! Unleash your inner animal -- RRROOOW!
*voiceover, quickly* Not a guarantee, may not work in every locale, subject to local laws, force majeure, etc.
Sourpuss. The cat's asleep on the lemons again...