Share your first three sentences
- Thread starter Hammer
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Yeah, I know it's a bit repetitive, but is it repetitive in a good way? Would it be noticeable if one read it without trying to find the flaw? That's what I really need to get around.That is a point I can't argue lol. Perhaps I trust readers too much
I can only say that I read a *lot* and I always approach any writing from a readers perspective. I only mention it if it trips me up and makes me go wait - what now? And I reverse to see why I tripped. I have never - not once in my life - approached a crit or edit of any kind with a Oops that was telling, oh should've added a verb, where's the comma?. why the hell are there so many commas, etc. perspective. Not ever. My brain doesn't work that way. I'm strictly flow, feel, and intuition. So... do with that what you will I guess lol. It tripped me up and I went back to figure out why. That's all I've got
God Bless, Chapter 1
He wasn't a fan of temperatures that began with a minus sign. Even less when the heater in the car didn’t work. Chris’s teeth chattered away like there was no tomorrow, nearly drowning out the syrupy White Lion ballad on the radio.
God Bless, Chapter 2
What Chris would've given for a candy bar or a bag of chips. The hunger pangs clawed at him, louder and more intense. The snickers of the other students around him added to his discomfort.
He wasn't a fan of temperatures that began with a minus sign. Even less when the heater in the car didn’t work. Chris’s teeth chattered away like there was no tomorrow, nearly drowning out the syrupy White Lion ballad on the radio.
God Bless, Chapter 2
What Chris would've given for a candy bar or a bag of chips. The hunger pangs clawed at him, louder and more intense. The snickers of the other students around him added to his discomfort.
The immediacy of this really pulls the reader in!
I wonder if changing it a little so the narrator does not know what woke them.
You could then build more tension by having the realize what the noise was.
Thank you.
These are the following 4. Does that make a more complete picture of why she already knows what woke her?
The thunk, thunk of boots on carpet reaches the bedroom door and I continue to count each breath to be sure it remains even. I concentrate on relaxing all my muscles, starting at my face and working my way down to my toes, hoping that I appear to be asleep. I am relaxed, two, three, four. Calm, two, three, four.
It does, it continues the tension build. Whoever is coming terrifies the narrator!
I am just thinking of the experience of being jerked awake. Even if we are expecting something there is that surprised "what was that?"
Here are the first three from the draft I am working on.
Lit only by the flickering flames of burning buildings, His Majesty’s Ship Maasai edged into harbor. The town of Kalamata had a hellish feel. The moon, just the barest hint of a waxing crescent, had set an hour before, so all the flames did was to make the night seem darker.
Lit only by the flickering flames of burning buildings, His Majesty’s Ship Maasai edged into harbor. The town of Kalamata had a hellish feel. The moon, just the barest hint of a waxing crescent, had set an hour before, so all the flames did was to make the night seem darker.
Yes. Very much so.
Yep, I totally get what you're saying. In most stories I would 100% agree with you.
This story is from the perspective of a severely battered woman and she never really sleeps. She is always on edge. And the fact that she knows what woke her is a part of that. If that makes sense?
I do get that, someone who lives with fear/anxiety would absolutely know it was her abuser.
Maybe even lean into that more in those few sentences. Have the shock, what is the noise? Then it's a door, but the front door or the bedroom door? How close is he? then start on the breath control.
Either way I think you have caught the fear she feels very nicely. And by showing the physical impact of anxiety. Nice work!
Maybe even lean into that more in those few sentences. Have the shock, what is the noise? Then it's a door, but the front door or the bedroom door? How close is he? then start on the breath control.
Either way I think you have caught the fear she feels very nicely. And by showing the physical impact of anxiety. Nice work!
I like this. It seems like the town of Kalamata is on fire, or at least what we're 'seeing' of it. I would think that would be more like being in hell than hellish, so I'd try to show that more.
I love the last line except for 'so all the flames did was'. I think I'd change that to something more active like 'the thick smoke only making....'
Or something like that. I don't know. I should've been in bed an hour ago. You should probably ignore me lol.
Oh, I like it. Only thing I can think of is there's one too many 'ing's in too short a space. Get rid of 'waxing'? Not sure it matters all that much, but anyway, you done alright there.
Thanks for the suggestion!
You're right I have a terrible habit of over using gerunds!
New version.
Lit only by the flicker of flames in burning buildings, His Majesty’s Ship Maasai edged into harbor. The town of Kalamata had a hellish feel. The moon had set an hour before, so the flames just made the night darker.
The middle sentence is too short. It's jarring here, because it breaks up the rhythm in contrast to the third sentence - it doesn't lead in to it. It sets up to further description of WHY the town feels hellish, but that's not what the subsequent sentence delivers.
It's also telling, not showing. I'd cut it out in favour of showing why the town has a hellish feel, and then you can end the passage with the sentence, if you want, although then, you're leading the reader by telling them how they should interpret the imagery.
Thanks for the input, I really appreciate the thought!
I half agree. Especially in terms of "telling" - I will look at that as I redraft.
In terms of rhythm I am after discordance, this character is just about to be tasked with going in to the town. He is a thoughtful often verbose character, but fear is his dominant emotion here.
Your point is good. I will look that sentence. Another option may be to split the others, to get a faster beat in these few sentences
In terms of this section I want to set the scene fast and not get too bogged down in description. So I may have this character "tell" for a moment
I'm actually joshing with you a little.
Telling is NOT telling in the conventional sense when it is filtered through a character perspective. It has a different narrative purpose, which is to show how the character perceives things - in other words, to build the reader's impression of the character, not of the events. It's also an effective way of setting a scene, if the actual things happening are of minimal importantce. "Telling", in this sense, is purposeful and not something that needs to be avoided at all costs.
It's the same thing I was doing in the line about footsteps in Ghosts that you commented on.
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