Share your first three sentences

[Allan Writer]

It makes a good image, but I would switch things around a bit. Also, flickering means waving, and I think the flames of burning buildings would be more violent - maybe roaring?

His Majesty's Ship Maasai edged into harbour, lit only by the roaring flames of burning buildings. The town of Kalamata had the look of hell, against the dark, moonless night sky.

Great suggestion, and normally I would agree.
What you don't get in these opening sentences is this is a situation that has been building for days.

The fires my character is seeing have been started six hours or more before in daylight air attacks. So the first conflagration has been either put out or is being let burn out in some buildings.
It is the tail end of the fires the character is seeing. More of that kind of detail will appear further down the page!

 

[Naomasa298]

For sure.
And I do allow my characters to "tell."
But even building first person I have my characters "show" when I can (depending on the character).
When I can I would rather have a character describe a terrifying event, and the response that raises in them than having them say "I was afraid."

The point being that no writing "rule" is absolute, and available tools should be used when appropriate, not discarded out of hand because of dogma.

 

[Allan Writer]

The point being that no writing "rule" is absolute, and available tools should be used when appropriate, not discarded out of hand because of dogma.

I am with you on being dogmatic. Writing rules are made to be broken. That does not mean they have no utility.

 

[DLC]

New version.
Lit only by the flicker of flames in burning buildings, His Majesty’s Ship Maasai edged into harbor. The town of Kalamata had a hellish feel. The moon had set an hour before, so the flames just made the night darker.

It's way better. The middle isn't too short. Or anything, for what it is.

 

[Allan Writer]

It's way better. The middle isn't too short. Or anything, for what it is.

Thanks!

 

[X Equestris]

Dusted off this story a few days ago and figured I’d share the first three sentences here:

Prince Mekri couldn’t see the final clash between sorceress and shield bearer. Not from the altar where he writhed in silver chains. Oh, but he heard.

 

[Louanne Learning]

Dusted off this story a few days ago and figured I’d share the first three sentences here:

Prince Mekri couldn’t see the final clash between sorceress and shield bearer. Not from the altar where he writhed in silver chains. Oh, but he heard.

I would just switch around the first and second sentences to place Mekri first. This gives an image for the reader. Then the third sentence better follows the second one.

Prince Mekri, in silver chains, writhed on the altar. He couldn't see the final clash between (the?) sorceress and (the?) shield bearer. Oh, but he heard.

 

[Seven Crowns]

I'll bite. Here's one. I'm 17K words in so far.

"A gentle rain tapped rhythmically on the windshield as William watched the autumn leaves flutter onto the sidewalk, pulled from the trees' safety by the water's weight. Like the leaves, he was being pulled back here by the weight of his past. The unmistakable smell of wet foliage coming through the vents of the car made him feel as though he had entered a time capsule."

This is nice stuff. I'm glad you're so far into the story.

I agree with @Louanne Learning and would chop the "watched" from the first sentence for the same reason she states. Then that leaves your first sentence with the very good "tapped and fluttered" as quiet & atmospheric opening verbs. Then I would name William in sentence two, leaving off the leaves explicitly.

Hmm . . . I wasn't going to change anything else, but I'd probably also move sentence 3 around, just to get William as the actor. Otherwise he's just receiving action twice in a row (being pulled, being made to remember). Not that that's bad . . . but you can push him to the front of the action (literally) by making him the subject.

"A gentle rain tapped rhythmically on the windshield as autumn leaves fluttered onto the sidewalk, pulled from the trees' safety by the water's weight. William was being pulled back here too, by the weight of his past. He breathed in the unmistakable smell of wet foliage from the vents and felt as though he'd entered a time capsule."​

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[JFB]

New version,
Lit only by the flicker of flames in burning buildings, His Majesty’s Ship Maasai edged into harbor. The town of Kalamata had a hellish feel. The moon had set an hour before, so the flames just made the night darker.

Were it me...I might upend this entirely.

The moon had been set an hour when His Majesty's Ship Maasai edged into the habor at Kalamata. Flames licking through burning buildings gave the waterfront a hellish cast, the night sky darker against fire.

Grain of salt, as ever.

 

[JFB]

I'll bite. Here's one. I'm 17K words in so far.

"A gentle rain tapped rhythmically on the windshield as William watched the autumn leaves flutter onto the sidewalk, pulled from the trees' safety by the water's weight. Like the leaves, he was being pulled back here by the weight of his past. The unmistakable smell of wet foliage coming through the vents of the car made him feel as though he had entered a time capsule."

Early on, passivity is your enemy. Later, too, but less critical then. You've also got kind of a mixed metaphor going, and you use 'weight' twice in short succession. Dunno if this is a dealbreaker, but a reader is likely to notice.

The past never let go. Outside, rain pulled leaves from the trees to flutter along the sidewalk, others plastered to the windshield by the gentle tapping, and through the vents the smell of wet foliage took him to another time and place.

Free advice, though, so take that for what it cost.

 

[DLC]

I don't think you're supposed to rewrite other people's stuff. At least everywhere else you don't.

 

[aside_dish]

Really having trouble wording this last sentence here. Any ideas? Technically four sentences, sorry

“Captain Gherhart is a drunkard that couldn’t tell a battle plan from a tavern menu. He’s not fit for the position.”

Sitting across from him at the head of the table was Prince Owyn, who commanded the room with the sort of power that could only be inherited. He looked around the table expectantly, eyeing the other lords like they were mutts trained to walk backwards to avoid slipping.

----------
Meant to show that Prince Owyn doesn't take kindly to mistakes/faux pas/failures, and the lords walk on eggshells around him. Does this accomplish that? Maybe some won't like the analogy, but going for something somewhat light and airy, like you might see in Discworld. Also curious to know if it fits in that manner, lol.

 

[Banespawn]

Really having trouble wording this last sentence here. Any ideas? Technically four sentences, sorry

“Captain Gherhart is a drunkard that couldn’t tell a battle plan from a tavern menu. He’s not fit for the position.”

Sitting across from him at the head of the table was Prince Owyn, who commanded the room with the sort of power that could only be inherited. He looked around the table expectantly, eyeing the other lords like they were mutts trained to walk backwards to avoid slipping.

----------
Meant to show that Prince Owyn doesn't take kindly to mistakes/faux pas/failures, and the lords walk on eggshells around him. Does this accomplish that? Maybe some won't like the analogy, but going for something somewhat light and airy, like you might see in Discworld. Also curious to know if it fits in that manner, lol.

I don't know who "him" refers to in the 3rd sentence. I also don't know who spoke.

As far as the analogy goes, I don't think it hits the mark. I mean, maybe it's a thing somewhere, but I've never heard of dogs being trained to walk backwards specifically to avoid slipping, so it's difficult to determine what it is supposed to imply.

There's also the issue that the analogy is trying to describe the lords, but it's actually describing how the prince sees them. That is going to suggest his attitude about them rather than theirs toward him. You might be able to imply their attitudes based on how he views them, but I think it's going to be hard to make that shine through in this way. It would be better IMO to describe the characters directly, rather than tying that description to a simile about how the prince is viewing them.

 

[Naomasa298]

Are dogs normally trained to walk backwards in order to avoid slipping? If that's not a common thing, then I don't think the analogy works.

 

[aside_dish]

Are dogs normally trained to walk backwards in order to avoid slipping? If that's not a common thing, then I don't think the analogy works.

When dogs slip on hardwood floors, carpets, etc., oftentimes they'll start to walk through that area backwards so they get better traction and don't slip. Even years after the first incident, they fear slipping. The analogy is supposed to imply that the lords are afraid of slipping up in front of the prince, so they placate him.

I don't know who "him" refers to in the 3rd sentence. I also don't know who spoke.

As far as the analogy goes, I don't think it hits the mark. I mean, maybe it's a thing somewhere, but I've never heard of dogs being trained to walk backwards specifically to avoid slipping, so it's difficult to determine what it is supposed to imply.

There's also the issue that the analogy is trying to describe the lords, but it's actually describing how the prince sees them. That is going to suggest his attitude about them rather than theirs toward him. You might be able to imply their attitudes based on how he views them, but I think it's going to be hard to make that shine through in this way. It would be better IMO to describe the characters directly, rather than tying that description to a simile about how the prince is viewing them.

Good point on the analogy describing his thoughts and not theirs. Wonder if there'd be a way to rearrange this to make it less the prince's thoughts, or more of an omniscient observation.

Anyways, here's a funny video that shows a dog doing this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/1c0lcyr/i_noticed_the_dog_only_traverses_this_hallway

 

[Naomasa298]

Cool. Never seen that.

 

[Banespawn]

Good point on the analogy describing his thoughts and not theirs. Wonder if there'd be a way to rearrange this to make it less the prince's thoughts, or more of an omniscient observation.

It could still be his thought, just not tied to a characterization of the way he is looking at them. Rather, you might characterize the way they are sitting with a similar analogy.

They fidgeted in their seats like students who had failed to do their homework.

Something akin to that. Make it about them but shown through the prince's eyes.

 

[aside_dish]

Appreciate the advice, guys thanks!

Also, i think the word I MEANT to use was conditioned, not trained!

 

[Rainyrain]

This is a very rough starting so please be gentle. Im struggling to find my conflict;

It can’t be, why is he here? Off all the places in all of the city why did he have to walk into here. Actually that’s dramatic even for me; I don’t think this situation calls for quotes of Casablanca.

 

[Naomasa298]

This is a very rough starting so please be gentle. Im struggling to find my conflict;

It can’t be, why is he here? Off all the places in all of the city why did he have to walk into here. Actually that’s dramatic even for me; I don’t think this situation calls for quotes of Casablanca.

I would edit this slightly to tighten it.
It can't be. Of all the places in all of the city why did he have to walk in here? Actually that’s dramatic even for me; this situation isn't exactly Casablanca.

Cutting the first sentence short makes it more immediate. I haven't edited the tenses, but they're inconsistent - the middle line is in past, the others are present. What tense do you want to write in? But otherwise, good character voice.